Brother and Sister

I remember looking over and feeling relief. Amy is here, this will get done with kindness and fervor. She won’t get grossed out and will be curious even on the medical solutions. I know she will make mom feel comfortable. And then I have flashbacks to the tireless efforts and presence of Bryan and I see him cooking up an alkaline meal for them. The gentleness and spirit-filled way he always approached care for mom. His focus and dedication to dad and mom were unwavering.  I woke up today thinking of my siblings and how wildly complex sibling relationships are and all that we learned about one another in the last two years as we grappled with our mother’s cancer and death. 

I hardly even have the words which is maybe why I wanted to write. I have always been fascinated with siblings because if we are ever curious who God wants us to fight for and love in this world, I believe a place to start is siblings. We didn’t pick them, the birth order, the gender - and the relationship was given to us. I think it will be the two people in the world who know me the longest in my life, although i know that does not mean the deepest, their is something so unique about the fact that they knew me as a two year old, fifth grader, senior in high school, hostess, bride, mom, etc - likely I will lose both parents at some point, and i didn’t gain my husband until i was in my 20’s, so these siblings will likely and hopefully have seen me through more of life than anyone.

Our shared struggle and loss was incomparably hard on us. I think we attempted to support each other with the morsels of energy and brain space we had, and it often felt like guessing in the dark. We each provided such different care, experienced such different grief and we each cope so differently. Sometimes, you can hardly believe we were raised by the same person and respond to life so incredibly different and other days it was SO obvious we were raised by the same parents because even though it was expressed uniquely there was grit and passion and authenticy and hope all along the journey. There is a great deal for us to consider now as we are a large part of her legacy. What an honor and a challenge. 

I have a lot to personally unpack to even update myself on what i learned about Bryan and Amy during this time, but I wanted to close telling one of my favorite memories from the hardest days. It was a Friday night and the day had been full of activity with visits from the Fowlers, Aunt Nancy, and of course my dad, for much of the day. Bryan, Amy and I decided all three of us would stay the night for a sibling slumber party in the hospice room. It's the weekend before Christmas although without the twinkling lights on the tree and the nativity scene in her room, we hardly knew what day it was.

Aunt Nanny sat with mom while the three of us plus Stephen + HAO + MAO went to eat Mexican food at some large chain. We were bone tired but there was goodness to be together and attempt nourishment. Normal conversation was always tricky during those days but we attempted while we pummeled the fresh salsa and warm chips. About 30 minutes in, I received word that mom was beginning to have difficultly swallowing and having a horrible cough. Our moods changed quickly and we all went into our various go modes. We returned to hospice and were disheartened to see the pain and trial continuing for mom.  We felt helpless and it was time to discuss options to treat the next heartbreaking symptom. After about another two hours, when the kids and PH, Nanny and dad were gone, and the docs found a solution for the night, the three kids attempted a board game Bryan found earlier in the day from Goodwill.  Honestly, the game was pitiful, but as usual we tried to make it as fun as we could.  Even figuring out the rules of the game had us laughing at one another. And there was this one very surreal moment where we were playing a game on hospital trays and laughing and looking over at mom who was laying in a bed highly sedated for sleep.  It was so wrong really. And at the same time, without better options, I kept thinking, mom would be so happy to hear the sounds of her three kids laughing and laughing over some silly game. And if she could, she'd get right up and beat us in the game. And somehow with that thought we were able to find rest shortly after. 

*More sibling thoughts to come, this is a bit rambly. 

Settle in and Seek to bless

Gulping down coffee, I sit on the very back row of the sanctuary by a good friend and her husband. I look down at my new wet Carolina blue Hunter rain boots and I shimmy out of my damp jacket after walking through the sideways rain to get in the sanctuary. I glance at the program and see our pastor will be teaching on Jeremiah 29 and I wonder how many sermons or conversations I have had on this passage. Let me just say, I had no idea what was to come, and it was one of those mornings where I felt myself wanting to slide down in my seat so everyone couldn’t see he was talking DIRECTLY to me. It was so clear, and it struck so many chords in my heart. 

One of the most profound statements to me actually came at the benediction, when another of our pastors said, “You know when we read Jeremiah 29 we all skip right for the 11th verse and the promises of care and hope for our days. But what we miss is the the call to us first in exile.” Exile means a few things to me - in general it is separation from native land, what I would call home, and that can be by choice or force. And to me it can also mean this separation from the life we had all laid out, like the  radical expulsion from our sense of control and governance over all of our days into foreign territory and this would be more like heart territory. I recognize i chose half my exile, but also, there is half i have been thrown into as well. 

An angel comes to all those exiled from Jerusalem to Babylon. After being forced into this new place, instead of conjuring up all the ways to return home and spending days on end complaining of all the woes of Babylon, they are instructed to build houses and make themselves at home. They are told to put in gardens and eat the bounty from it. They are extorted to be at home and work for the country’s welfare, pray for the wellbeing of the community. And later in the passage it says as soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up, I’ll show up and take care of you as promised. OH MY GOODNESS. 

Here is what translated to my caffeine driven soggy body yesterday morning. If I continue to live with “As soon as….” in my life, i will continue to take myself out of the present and disengage from the life and place I am in. It will always be tempting to disengage because the city will continue to be foreign and let me down. And yet I believe this encourages me to settle in and live wherever I am as if i am not going anywhere. To invest in the very land i sit on, to know and be committed to my neighbors and the businesses and the school that sit on my street because I care for the welfare of my community.  I absolutely love the clear imagery of planting a garden and eating from it because we know that doesn’t happen in one season. In fact if we are talking about things like fruit trees it may take many years before we can enjoy any bounty. Yet in all that time the call for me is not just for myself, it is for the whole of where I am living. I am called to serve, not disengage and to seek the welfare of the city and to seek to bless it. What does that look like for me right now? 

I am honestly back to yesterday’s thoughts - We are all in this together and it all matters. How we chose to live and settle in for the livelihood of our community matters. And I cannot even grasp that the promise from the angel to the exiles in Babylon was that in 70 years they would have a return and be taken care of.. oh my goodness, I am so impatient. I feel I am carrying on now, but I just wanted to say, the message felt so challenging and yet even hearing the words of really making a home and in some way removing the choice to always flee, sounded so so so comforting and life giving. To know that where I was going to be, even if in exile, I was to dig my feet in and seek to bless the community I am a part of, today. Not as soon as it… quits raining. (ha!) AndI realize my heart actually longs to settle in. 

(*for the record, it doesn’t totally answer for me where to settle, but only to live where I am until i get the privilege to  buy a home and really dig in… somewhere)

We ARE all in this together

Almost four years ago we frantically searched for a place to live and begin building a life here. I was drawn to living close to the lake and as close to the city as we could.  We have now moved 3 times in 4 years but each place has been within 10 blocks of the other. The neighborhood and community have been just right for us, and since Hannah started school, the school community has been no exception.  

We are a part of a welcoming energetic supportive & fun community from her school.  I feel extremely lucky to know some of these families.  One of the mom's is a lifetime dancer and choreographed a dance for a group of kids last year that Hannah was a part of and this year, many other families asked to be a part so she took on working with 19 kids! I was glad Hannah could participate and really proud of these kids for working well together, being determined to learn the moves, and then being so brave to perform in front of a filled lunchroom at the school. Super cool. 

So for your viewing pleasure, I share with you the West Woodland Wildcats performance of "We are all in this Together" - https://vimeo.com/154889568 (Password is wildcats). 

Isn't that so fun? Anywho, my friends, as cheesy as it sounds - I'm a believer - we are all in this together - and such joy and comfort and sacrifice and sweat come from being in it with others! 

wandering around heart & home

The sun is now being pushed aside by the greedy gray clouds that prefer their normal reign in this Seattle sky. And suddenly instead of wanting to rush outside and soak up every bit of vitamin D, i actually want to curl up on the sofa with tea or take a book to a long bubbly bath. Neither of which I will do, but I am stealing away time to think for today. 

The last few days have been covered in conversation of home. What is home? How many can you have? Is there such a thing as a right geographical place for your family? Do most people have multiple places they see as home? When is wandering dangerous, and when is it helpful? Why do we move, why do we stay? How do you really know how much transition a young person can bear well? 

I realize now that a for many years Stephen and I's conversations were more connected to the question - what are we supposed to be doing in this world? And by no means is that solved. This season, I feel this movement in us that the question is really about where are we to be where we can live most alive? Is there a right place? You see I have already filled the page with questions and that is exactly the deal, I have so many questions. Do any of you have this wander? Or are we especially nomadic? 

Last night Stephen and I sat across from each other sharing and pondering together.  While I still did not behave so well and Iet my defenses and fear began to take flight in the room, there were a couple of really sweet moments where I realized for the first time in many years, both of us are actually asking similar questions. Neither of us is in a get me outta here situation with a career or location. As we have crisscrossed the United States, we have wrestled so mightily with the Ashley love of East Coast and Stephen love of West Coast and lately, i think we realize we have love for both coasts and all that they hold. wow. We see now our hearts have more than one home.  

To even have any choice to wander and to explore both coasts is a real privilege, one that has changed our lives. So we do not take lightly the freedom we have to even get to wander. But today I am asking myself - can my heart truly take on the stretch it feels so many days of deeply loving and knowing a southern life and people of beauty and depth while also feeling content and empowered in the northwest to be just as I was made and to enjoy so much splendor and creativity.  I love two coasts. I never thought I'd say that. 

float a little above

“Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields…Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness.” ~ Mary Oliver

The sun came out today and I got to begin the day running by the water with my friend. I am so happy and thankful. By the end, however, I am also worn out.  So why not share one of my other favorites  - one who really got nature and saw so so much life in it - Mary Oliver - to encourage us all. Cheers! 

“The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time.” ~ Mary Oliver

Ponds

Every year the lilies are so perfect I can hardly believe their lapped light crowding the black, mid-summer ponds.

Nobody could count all of them—the muskrats swimming among the pads and the grasses can reach out their muscular arms and touch only so many, they are that rife and wild.  But what in this world is perfect?

I bend closer and see how this one is clearly lopsided—and that one wears an orange blight—and this one is a glossy cheek half nibbled away—and that one is a slumped purse full of it own unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled—to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world.  I want to believe that I am looking into the white fire of a great mystery.  I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing—that the light is everything—that it is more than the sum of each flawed blossom rising and fading.  And I do.

~Mary Oliver, in  House of Light

watch week

*I know no one cares but me but i wrote this yesterday and thought I pressed save and publish but i pressed SAVE. can't believe i missed a day! but i didn't! anywho, no matter. 

In early November I went to pick up my mom at their condo to take her to "watch week" at Hannah's dance studio in Edmonds.  Hannah enrolled in a combo tap, ballet, jazz class with her dearest friend, Halina, at the beginning of the year and this was our first chance to go and see what she was learning. I knew my mom would love to watch Hannah dance, and me too! I was so looking forward to the time with both of them.

It was a bit of cold night so I hustled around a bit looking to get us hats and sweaters and we were ready to leave when my mother fell in her bedroom. The carpet was sticking up a tiny bit and tripped up her leg that was mostly dragging as it was losing feeling by the day. All of our hearts dropped. Seeing her on the floor scared us and made us so so upset. You don't actually ever get used to some of the effects of the cancer taking away the strength of a person you have watched conquer so many feats all your life.

At first she told me to go ahead and leave her. Two fingernails were bent and there was a little blood where she had tried to catch herself, but she was okay. I had this pit in my stomach and I really wanted her to come with me as ridiculous as it was all feeling to make it happen. So I waited and we worked through the steps to help her get back up using the strong arm and the strong leg and dad and I as a boost. She continued to tell me that she couldn't do it, she couldn't come, and that it was all too hard. I was so disappointed on every level, but in the end, as we all continued to talk she agreed to try and come. 

The memory of that evening, of sitting beside mom in the studio and watching her smile and clap and cry watching Hannah was absolutely amazing for me.  She sat there unwavering in her attention to see each of Hannah's moves and to smile and wave. And then there was a moment she looked at me and we both had tears streaming down our face. There was something knowing in our hearts that she may never see Hannah's dance recital in June, and never imagining that she wouldn't actually ever see her dance again - not even the very next month in the Christmas show. 

Tonight, was the first watch week of the new year and it was a flood for me. I could picture mom there in her chair smiling and clapping, so easily, so joyfully, so proud of her granddaughter. And I missed her so so so so much. How is it possible that just one month after she sat in that chair in November that she was entering heaven? I can't believe it. 

My wonderful dad came tonight and he was so amazing to continue his strong support and utter delight in his granddaughter. As we watched, he said, for sure SuSu is clapping, and maybe even crying happy tears in heaven right now. I smiled, hoping really really badly he is right. 

Brene day

This could be totally lame, but today was one of those days where I neither accomplished a great deal nor rested. I circled. A lot. Literally through my house I repeated unnecessary steps trying to remember what I was setting out to do, and mentally in my head I kept repeating loops of thoughts without having a settling nature about them. I'm still not totally sure what i was supposed to remember that i didn't but I am pretty sure it was something. So, I thought, instead of vomiting chaos that is living in my body today, why not ground through some Brene Brown quotes. HAHAHAHA! 

I just finished reading Rising Strong, and basically I mine as well start right back over on page one. There are a LOT of rich ideas about rumbling and reckoning. It was so rich, like the darkest velvety chocolate which actually sounds good, i think i'll go get a bite. See. Circling.

#1 The Badassery Deficit was a section in the book. Ya'll know i love made up words. This one and all that is behind it is fantastic - here is an excerpt:

"People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses. We need a critical mass of badasses who are willing to dare, fall, feel their way through tough emotion, and rise again.  And we need these folks leading, modeling, and shaping culture in every capacity..."

#2 - "I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few."

All I can say to that is yes. True dat. I've seen the light in grey, and I'm still scared but so much freerer. 

#3 It seems obvious this next one, but living it is not. It was a major aha moment with me after many years and friendships and cliques that tied my stomach all in knots had a lot to do with the knot I was already in about myself.

"The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect."

That's all for today, but that was so fun I could have carried on for hours. Just like I did all day. Cheers! 

Seeing & Responding

We go so fast. This slowing down, this daily pause has actually shocked me. My heart and my body carry so much. Even in a day. And the really beautiful thing is, I am realizing that when I feel it and share it and name it, I do actually get a little bit lighter. More than that, i create new space that can see out more. My capacity to engage and remember and care for others is growing again. It has been on what feels like a long pause while I wade through exhaustion and heartache, and I in no way am fixed, but I'm a bit more living. 

Today, I am thinking about all the generosity I have received over the last couple of months/years that I believe has afforded me to return well-ish to the land of the living today. Maybe I have already said it, but I can't quit thinking of it. If ever you are debating if you should write, call, text, order take out, send flowers, drop off a candle or a croissant for someone you know is facing hardship, follow that gut if it's actually possible for you. I was sustained and I am still strengthened by the memories of care offered to me.  It has further inspired my hope to live thoughtfully, generously and responsively. Even without all the details of need, to just respond to what I see. 

I remember one day driving home in the pouring rain from Hospice with aches all over my body. I still had a list of tasks left for the evening, but when I got to the front door there was a home-cooked meal from a neighbor friend. Never has nourishment tasted so whole and filling. I have four candles in my house that were given to me over the last season, each that have there own meaning to me, and I light them and find great comfort. One beautiful, elegant rose colored candle from a colleague that has a soft sweet scent and I light it when i need to remember work and purpose. I think of the gifts God has given me to share in the world and even more the ebb and flow of the seasons to offer them.  And then the day my mother passed away, just two short months ago today, that evening a dear friend brought me a bottle of Pinot Noir, lilies, and a glassybaby candle named "mom" for me to light whenever I wanted. A week later, I received another glassybaby in the mail named "great oak" and a dear note inside. Now on my mantle - mom, a great oak, sit beside each other and I light them OFTEN when i wish she was in the room. Lastly, i received a simple white candle that smells wonderful and strong that reminds me of understanding and it came from a wise woman who also knows a great deal of grief and loss. 

I remember meeting Marie, a wonderful woman who was sent by incredible friends to my house to help me clean. It felt extravagant that I have help, surely I could keep my own place tidy, and yet, at the same time I found my relief for help on some of the hardest days was incredibly generous, timely and healing. On a particularly exhausting day, I actually let Marie in, put Mateo down for a nap and walked over to my room and fell asleep while my house was being cleaned. I have never even imagined such luxury and it was a gift from friends so i could rest. One day, a lovely woman that I met at Hannah's school text to ask if i needed eggs or coffee because she was going to the store, and I actually needed both and made the decision to say yes. It was such sweetness to let her in and to get a back of groceries from her. 

I could go on and on, truly, and all of it to say, I learned to receive in a way I could have never imagined. And there are fragrances and tastes still in the house that help me to remember others kindness. I don't want to forget, and I hope as I begin to see out more, as I begin to have space again that I can respond and love as I have so generously received. 

Too Soon

When I was in the hospital after giving birth to Hannah, my dear friend Allison, brought a lovie for Hannah. Hannah had a few great options but as time moved on we kept finding this lovie, endearingly called Monkey (because it was actually a pink Monkey) by her face. To say she gave love to this lovie is quite the understatement. 

This is monkey - now head-less and about to loss an arm with very worn texture throughout. 

Anywho, all the background is to share a precious story of our evening, one day shy of our two month mark of losing mom on this Earth. I had a totally different story in mind to write tonight until this time with Hannah and I came downstairs thinking, I MUST must record this! After letting monkey go two years ago (because it was tied to sucking thumb), every once in a blue moon, Hannah asks if she can see monkey again.  Tonight was one of those nights. So we got him out of the top of the closet and let her hold it as she and I lay in her cozy bed to read our book tonight. When we were done reading, she passed it back to me, and said, "here you go..thank you. you know monkey reminds me some of SuSu." I pause surprised and asked, "Tell me more about that." She said, "I don't know totally, its just I think there were lots of times I needed monkey and SuSu always gave him to me. And it's just, I miss her so much." My breathing changes as I lay beside her, and I try to stay cool so she will keep giving me her heart, and she does. "It's just, it was WAY WAY WAY too soon for her to die. I mean, I'm only 7. And she was just 67 and i barely got enough years with her. It was Way too soon. "

At this point, Hannah is more given over to her grief than I have seen her since my mom passed. She has been so valiant in marching through her grief in her 7 year old body and watching closely how it plays our for her own mother and grandfather, Ba.  And I have wanted to know how it has been for her but tried to be patient that she let me know on her own terms. And of course, it is here as we lay in bed - the end of the day in the quiet peace with no other agenda around us, she lets go and lets me in. Of course it is the night she asks for comforting monkey that she can begin to share about her SuSu. I saw all over her face and the water pooling in her eyes when she said, I miss her, that her whole little person wanted SuSu near. And it made so much dang perfect sense. I almost wanted to start cuddling monkey myself. 

After we talked a little bit more, I began our nightly prayers. I began thanking God that we ever got to have someone in our life who adored us so much and comforted us so greatly, and Hannah interrupted my prayer and carried on again, "it's just too soon," she said again, "she was so high-spirited all the time. And she didn't worry too much. She never worried to get a bunch of stuff done, she just wanted to be with me. She loved to be around me." I choke back tears quietly and Hannah pauses, so i resumed praying, when once again she interjected in the prayer, "God I hope you are taking good care of her, because if she is happy then i guess we are happy, but, i mean, we miss her." 

If it is possible for a heart to actually ballon out on a daily basis, i tell you my heart was expanding by the second. I loved her words, her mind, her truth, and the sweetness of reminiscing with her tonight. She wanted to know when SuSu first met her and I took great joy in telling her that she was there the day Hannah was born and that she slept on the sofa in our house for the week that followed and treasured every chance to hold her granddaugther and to get her back to sleep. I told her she had her in a little baby thingy right beside her one night and she rocked her back and forth for hours, smiling and singing to her so I could get a little rest. Hannah said, "That SuSu."

And I finished my prayer smiling and grateful. That SuSu is right - it was too soon to lose such a comforting, adoring presence in your life. I am sorry my girl. I often think of the delight she would have to see you in these days - so thoughtful, curious, brave and loving you are. And I never stop wishing that you had a million more hours with her attentive face to encourage and hear and speak wisdom to you. It makes absolutely no earthy sense, and I admire your brave remembering with me tonight. 

Peace be with you

Anxiety is a body experience. It can live in your gut, and for many, including me, it does. It overrides when the brain is likely trying to ration because it rarely feels rational. While sometimes it may be more likely that you know you are walking into a difficult space, it is not a chosen path. And as a psa, may i please say, that telling an anxious person to calm down RARELY helps.  That exposes me, shames me and makes everything I described before go into hyper mode. Telling a person mid anxiety to calm down is talking to the brain when their nerves and gut and body are out of whack, telling their brain to calm down couldn't be less productive, in fact it can stimulate further concern. Anxious people usually know they are anxious. No one wants to be anxious. So, understand our imperfection of responding perfectly midstream, we are hurting from the inside out so please, have mercy. 

Tonight, i lost in my 1000th anxiety battle. I do win sometimes. And when I say I win, I mean, there are times when the Holy Spirit and my brain can work together and I can breathe and land. And I am so grateful for those times. And there are times, like tonight, when I am surrounded by people I most love in the world, but every single trigger is firing and I cannot find ground. My stomach is clenched and my head whirling and every sound brings craze, especially the super high pitched ones that 100% of toddlers have that brings wildness to my body. And I don't want to be in my body as much as my body disrupts the group, I know. It hurts me too, and someday, maybe I'll find peace faster. But somedays I need fresh air, space, kind eyes, a couple deep breaths. There are options for us both to exist, so maybe invite me to take a minute. Recognize my pain, and even if it makes no sense to you, let me know, you see things aren't well inside me. 

The hardest part about writing everyday is that I knew there would be these days where all i can do is tell the truth. There was fluff and goodness in my day too, yes, and i hope many many days reflect those things. But this is the thing, if i am going to practice this Lenten in honest, I will tell you that what haunts me today is to have anxiety rear its head and win when all I want for my family is a win with peace.

I am relying heavily on the Lamentation scripture being true, that His mercy is new EVERY morning. And I have been met by this unworldly graciousness - this steadfast love. We are invited by the God of the Universe to a new day, each day, and I for one am SO very grateful to receive and to believe that on that new day he sees me without spots of yesterday. He sees me as his daughter that He adores. He speaks gently and lovingly to the parts of me that have such a hard time forgiving myself. And He heals from the inside out, from the clenched belly to the whirling head. I believe the whole of me matters to Him.  

So, tonight I am grieved and oddly aware of the story this time is preparing my heart for - for the cross. And I am profoundly grateful to live free and forgiven and invited and adored. Even as ugly as me and my anxiety ridden body feel tonight. When I say Peace be with you my friends, I say it as prayer for us both, the deep deep Peace be with you.