*I know no one cares but me but i wrote this yesterday and thought I pressed save and publish but i pressed SAVE. can't believe i missed a day! but i didn't! anywho, no matter.

In early November I went to pick up my mom at their condo to take her to "watch week" at Hannah's dance studio in Edmonds. Hannah enrolled in a combo tap, ballet, jazz class with her dearest friend, Halina, at the beginning of the year and this was our first chance to go and see what she was learning. I knew my mom would love to watch Hannah dance, and me too! I was so looking forward to the time with both of them.

It was a bit of cold night so I hustled around a bit looking to get us hats and sweaters and we were ready to leave when my mother fell in her bedroom. The carpet was sticking up a tiny bit and tripped up her leg that was mostly dragging as it was losing feeling by the day. All of our hearts dropped. Seeing her on the floor scared us and made us so so upset. You don't actually ever get used to some of the effects of the cancer taking away the strength of a person you have watched conquer so many feats all your life.

At first she told me to go ahead and leave her. Two fingernails were bent and there was a little blood where she had tried to catch herself, but she was okay. I had this pit in my stomach and I really wanted her to come with me as ridiculous as it was all feeling to make it happen. So I waited and we worked through the steps to help her get back up using the strong arm and the strong leg and dad and I as a boost. She continued to tell me that she couldn't do it, she couldn't come, and that it was all too hard. I was so disappointed on every level, but in the end, as we all continued to talk she agreed to try and come.

The memory of that evening, of sitting beside mom in the studio and watching her smile and clap and cry watching Hannah was absolutely amazing for me. She sat there unwavering in her attention to see each of Hannah's moves and to smile and wave. And then there was a moment she looked at me and we both had tears streaming down our face. There was something knowing in our hearts that she may never see Hannah's dance recital in June, and never imagining that she wouldn't actually ever see her dance again - not even the very next month in the Christmas show.

Tonight, was the first watch week of the new year and it was a flood for me. I could picture mom there in her chair smiling and clapping, so easily, so joyfully, so proud of her granddaughter. And I missed her so so so so much. How is it possible that just one month after she sat in that chair in November that she was entering heaven? I can't believe it.

My wonderful dad came tonight and he was so amazing to continue his strong support and utter delight in his granddaughter. As we watched, he said, for sure SuSu is clapping, and maybe even crying happy tears in heaven right now. I smiled, hoping really really badly he is right.