Anxiety is a body experience. It can live in your gut, and for many, including me, it does. It overrides when the brain is likely trying to ration because it rarely feels rational. While sometimes it may be more likely that you know you are walking into a difficult space, it is not a chosen path. And as a psa, may i please say, that telling an anxious person to calm down RARELY helps. That exposes me, shames me and makes everything I described before go into hyper mode. Telling a person mid anxiety to calm down is talking to the brain when their nerves and gut and body are out of whack, telling their brain to calm down couldn't be less productive, in fact it can stimulate further concern. Anxious people usually know they are anxious. No one wants to be anxious. So, understand our imperfection of responding perfectly midstream, we are hurting from the inside out so please, have mercy.

Tonight, i lost in my 1000th anxiety battle. I do win sometimes. And when I say I win, I mean, there are times when the Holy Spirit and my brain can work together and I can breathe and land. And I am so grateful for those times. And there are times, like tonight, when I am surrounded by people I most love in the world, but every single trigger is firing and I cannot find ground. My stomach is clenched and my head whirling and every sound brings craze, especially the super high pitched ones that 100% of toddlers have that brings wildness to my body. And I don't want to be in my body as much as my body disrupts the group, I know. It hurts me too, and someday, maybe I'll find peace faster. But somedays I need fresh air, space, kind eyes, a couple deep breaths. There are options for us both to exist, so maybe invite me to take a minute. Recognize my pain, and even if it makes no sense to you, let me know, you see things aren't well inside me.

The hardest part about writing everyday is that I knew there would be these days where all i can do is tell the truth. There was fluff and goodness in my day too, yes, and i hope many many days reflect those things. But this is the thing, if i am going to practice this Lenten in honest, I will tell you that what haunts me today is to have anxiety rear its head and win when all I want for my family is a win with peace.

I am relying heavily on the Lamentation scripture being true, that His mercy is new EVERY morning. And I have been met by this unworldly graciousness - this steadfast love. We are invited by the God of the Universe to a new day, each day, and I for one am SO very grateful to receive and to believe that on that new day he sees me without spots of yesterday. He sees me as his daughter that He adores. He speaks gently and lovingly to the parts of me that have such a hard time forgiving myself. And He heals from the inside out, from the clenched belly to the whirling head. I believe the whole of me matters to Him.

So, tonight I am grieved and oddly aware of the story this time is preparing my heart for - for the cross. And I am profoundly grateful to live free and forgiven and invited and adored. Even as ugly as me and my anxiety ridden body feel tonight. When I say Peace be with you my friends, I say it as prayer for us both, the deep deep Peace be with you.