Brother and Sister
I remember looking over and feeling relief. Amy is here, this will get done with kindness and fervor. She won’t get grossed out and will be curious even on the medical solutions. I know she will make mom feel comfortable. And then I have flashbacks to the tireless efforts and presence of Bryan and I see him cooking up an alkaline meal for them. The gentleness and spirit-filled way he always approached care for mom. His focus and dedication to dad and mom were unwavering. I woke up today thinking of my siblings and how wildly complex sibling relationships are and all that we learned about one another in the last two years as we grappled with our mother’s cancer and death.
I hardly even have the words which is maybe why I wanted to write. I have always been fascinated with siblings because if we are ever curious who God wants us to fight for and love in this world, I believe a place to start is siblings. We didn’t pick them, the birth order, the gender - and the relationship was given to us. I think it will be the two people in the world who know me the longest in my life, although i know that does not mean the deepest, their is something so unique about the fact that they knew me as a two year old, fifth grader, senior in high school, hostess, bride, mom, etc - likely I will lose both parents at some point, and i didn’t gain my husband until i was in my 20’s, so these siblings will likely and hopefully have seen me through more of life than anyone.
Our shared struggle and loss was incomparably hard on us. I think we attempted to support each other with the morsels of energy and brain space we had, and it often felt like guessing in the dark. We each provided such different care, experienced such different grief and we each cope so differently. Sometimes, you can hardly believe we were raised by the same person and respond to life so incredibly different and other days it was SO obvious we were raised by the same parents because even though it was expressed uniquely there was grit and passion and authenticy and hope all along the journey. There is a great deal for us to consider now as we are a large part of her legacy. What an honor and a challenge.
I have a lot to personally unpack to even update myself on what i learned about Bryan and Amy during this time, but I wanted to close telling one of my favorite memories from the hardest days. It was a Friday night and the day had been full of activity with visits from the Fowlers, Aunt Nancy, and of course my dad, for much of the day. Bryan, Amy and I decided all three of us would stay the night for a sibling slumber party in the hospice room. It's the weekend before Christmas although without the twinkling lights on the tree and the nativity scene in her room, we hardly knew what day it was.
Aunt Nanny sat with mom while the three of us plus Stephen + HAO + MAO went to eat Mexican food at some large chain. We were bone tired but there was goodness to be together and attempt nourishment. Normal conversation was always tricky during those days but we attempted while we pummeled the fresh salsa and warm chips. About 30 minutes in, I received word that mom was beginning to have difficultly swallowing and having a horrible cough. Our moods changed quickly and we all went into our various go modes. We returned to hospice and were disheartened to see the pain and trial continuing for mom. We felt helpless and it was time to discuss options to treat the next heartbreaking symptom. After about another two hours, when the kids and PH, Nanny and dad were gone, and the docs found a solution for the night, the three kids attempted a board game Bryan found earlier in the day from Goodwill. Honestly, the game was pitiful, but as usual we tried to make it as fun as we could. Even figuring out the rules of the game had us laughing at one another. And there was this one very surreal moment where we were playing a game on hospital trays and laughing and looking over at mom who was laying in a bed highly sedated for sleep. It was so wrong really. And at the same time, without better options, I kept thinking, mom would be so happy to hear the sounds of her three kids laughing and laughing over some silly game. And if she could, she'd get right up and beat us in the game. And somehow with that thought we were able to find rest shortly after.
*More sibling thoughts to come, this is a bit rambly.