Today hurt. Without relenting, i felt the weight. And so i do not write with ease tonight because the sunny side is not yet up. I hurt from the inside out. There were circumstantial pains like a difficult house inspection report and buyers that may back out, a hit and run while my car was parked at the gym (car is fine just banged up), and an agitated non sleeping one year old. But also my day was packed with all my demons showing off. They seemed tireless to remind me of all the sides of me I don't like and they pummeled my weakness. How rude.

To top it off, the day ends with having to say goodbye to my dad who is leaving for a month for East Coast adventures. And I am so happy for him, but also, he has become a great source of strength, understanding and comfort for me in this time of grief and loss. So I will deeply miss his presence.

Why are there days like this, and why do i ask why...will i ever learn? I just need the pain spread out a little right now as I am a wee on the tender side. After all the hulabuloo of chores, school and dance and groceries, etc. and I pull into my driveway and stare for a bit. Its raining hard and Mateo is sad and I feel so tired that the thought of even unbuckling and carrying one more time might put me over the top. Pitiful, i know, by i tell you the wearing down was deep. I let myself get soaked and open the door and he looks over and says in his fast high pitched voice - "MOM!" and smiles so big. Oh goodness child, i don't deserve that. Seconds later, I see Stephen coming down the hill from the bus with a big smile on his face. "He's home," i say to myself and my body sighs a bit. And within the hour, Hannah, my dad, and Bryan all make their way in and to the dinner table and for the first time all day, I think, "Im gonna make it." Nothing was solved, and surely nothing special about the cuisine just a cold beer, frozen pizza and salad. The day still was. But maybe the sunny side did come out and I didn't know until i started writing. I was glad to see my people and for us to try to sit around a table and talk and nourish ourselves. And I guess as tired as my eyes are writing, it really did help. To have that day, to feel so dark, and then to still be loved and seen.

I guess I can face tomorrow. I will love some sleep. And I would sure appreciate circumstantial ease but I do see how deeply provided for I am even on the total total crap days. It is well, I guess, after all, even when it does not seem/feel so.