there were times today where if i had posted my thoughts i'd have some of you on a plane in the coming weeks. it's just so surreal to return from trips to nothing. stephen and i loved to take trips, always, on the weekend or for the summer or whatever, and when we came home, i always felt glad to see my friends, familiar streets and stores, sweet routine, my sofa and sleep on my bed again. when i come home now as happy as i am to see Stephen, the rest of me is like pulling someone off a sofa in slow motion after hours and hours of tv. i know i gotta rally again i just dont want to. luckily, i am not stuck, there is lots and lots of life out there for us. I just have to go get it. there are just the days when i wish someone wanted to come over to my house and drink coffee or wine or eat lunch or anything.
today was that day. i wanted a friend, for me, and for Hannah even more. Luckily, today was Hannah's first camp. it was only two hours at our local neighborhood center, but she was excitedly reserved for Birds, Butterflies and Bugs mini-camp. As we were talking about it this morning, she said, "mom, i'm just thinking about Hannah Beth. (as she does A LOT.)" she proceeded to pretend that Hannah Beth called her and asked her to come over and she told her she was sorry she couldn't but she did ask her what shoes she had on (not kidding), and then she did say, "hold on", pause, and then say, "what'd you say Hannah Beth?" it was hAlarious and heart-wrenching all at once. She told me she really wished Hannah Beth was going to camp with her. and I told her I totally got it, that i dream of having just one familiar friendly known face when i enter the days. that i wonder how much easier any of these days would be if we had anyone to share them with. and today feels especially lonely i think because Stephen is off to a work conference for the next few days. I can't tell if i miss him more or am just so jealous that he is the one at a work conference. But i am happy for him too. i want him to shine right now.
and at last i am probably whimpering coming off of a LOVELY weekend of celebrating anniversary and father's day. they were really really great. i did love our FIRST date night in the city with dreamy cocktails and all new streets to hold hands and restaurants to explore. and father's day just seemed flat out sweet, like Hannah really got it and told Stephen over and over throughout the day that, "dad, i love you, and it's father's day and i love you." it was off the charts and we had fun eating and playing and exploring together on that day.