a rain filled Saturday with my parents in town gave Stephen and i the opportunity to hit the streets and try to immerse into the truly fun parts of Christmas shopping. i may have one of the few husbands i know who actually really loves to do some shopping with me so it has become a fun part of this season for us. but what had really given us ease and joy to head out on this day was that a very generous heart sent Stephen some Christmas money from Jesus. (Thank you Jesus!) so our grateful filled hearts grabbed americano's and headed out.

Stephen took the call as i headed into the very first store on one of our favorite streets in Ballard. He stayed outside and as i tried to look around at the beautiful things, inside my heart was racing and my stomach was sinking. He entered a few minutes later with the news that the company had decided to wait until January to make a decision. (insert cuss word, cuss word, cuss word) i cannot even weed through the pummel of questions that make way in my head at the time. WHATS the MESSAGE GOD? So, another NO? More WAITING? A peaceless Christmas (dramatic, i know, but this is playback and that is what it felt like). What are we doing WRONG? I need to go home and APPLY for job's ASAP. Can my husband SURVIVE all the disappointment? Can we? How long can i go without talking to anyone so i don't have to share more bad news? Do we every make PROGRESS in this family? What GOOD NEWS is in our future? So, clearly with all that, we try to stick with our plan and shop. um, no workie, as much as i love to rally and compartmentalize, it was a no go.

by the third store i asked Stephen if I could go sit in the car and cry. his kind eyes and cold hands accompanied me and my sobs ensued. I can only share my perspective, but my feelings are that that means no job. If you went through four rounds of interviews and then they postponed the decision I believe that means they aren't confident they have the right candidate yet. next thought is YOU FREAKING IDIOTS and next thoughts is LISTEN PEOPLE it wasn't even THE dream job, but we NEEDED you. God, why open more doors, let them stay open enough for our hearts to wander and hope and close them again?

I feel like we are back at the start line, only this time we are starting worn out, untrained, unfit, and without desire to run. BUT we will go on with all we can muster each day.