i might have outdone myself today in an amazing performance by a new mom or mom with clearly one child. i actually had premeditated anxiety heading to Hannah's preschool today for my first parent teacher conference. First, because i regret to confess, i never went to the others because Stephen did. Shame came right away when i noticed every other scheduled meeting had both parents in attendance (even though it was midday), good work Seattle for exemplary co-parenting participation, and shame on me for not even giving PH the info if he wanted to attend. Argh. And i do need his help.

When it is my turn to enter i actually feel like a school girl entering the colorful bright room and sitting in a miniature chair to meet with a professional grown woman with a manila folder in her hand with my kid's name on it. My first thought is, please let the first sentence be positive. Since I have no idea how these things go and i am about to vomit, i just sit quiet and still.

Ms. Robbins opens by saying that, "Hannah is a very imaginative and playful girl." She goes on to pull out a variety of pieces of paper that test fine motor skills, per-academic skills, language skills, etc. By about the fourth piece of paper i realize i am literally holding my breath. and i tell myself TAKE A LOAD OFF ASHLEY this is 4 year old preschool eval for peet's sake. my self talk didn't help myself.

After receiving positive feedback on fine motor skills and excellent large motor skills, we got to social and play skills. The gist I learned here is that she only wants to play with the other girl in the class and doesn't give the boys the time of day. (okay) And that she gets very upset when things don't go her way. (shocker. not. me too). Anywho, the real kicker was when i learned that she has had to go to the office a few times because she really has a hard time sitting for circle time. So naturally, i cried. Face flood really. in my mini chair at the 4 year old parent teacher conference. Special.

the very tiniest hint that my child was waylayed and imperfect felt like it may drown me. because i didn't really have the capacity to hear anything but positivity, so of course, i cry to the preschool teacher. and apparently, per a comment by one of the other mom's, that i seem like i have it all put together (HA, HA, HA!).

over and over i find that there is great fear in light. however, truth with grace means healing and freedom. not more fear. on top of all that, there was nothing she could have told me that could actually waylay my hope and love for Hannah. And i already knew we didn't have it made. But now we can at least laugh that i was such a cool mom at the first parent teacher conference.