long learning curve

Glimpses of our changed selves in action are beginning to show up. while i flail around hoping for concrete goodness to share, my heart burns as i recognize some of this eternal molding happening to us.

my first prayer when this version of our world turned upside down was for swift relief. i begged that we be saved quickly, that we not experience a pain pile on. God said no. While that remains frustrating, I see now that these eternal gifts which are being offered to us cannot be given overnight.

Our hard heads and familiar routines reveal to me how much time it actually takes to learn. Time to shed off all the other layers in our way, time to windex the heart's windows until they are available for sight, time to continue unclinching our fists until we are able to hold out our hands.

The waiting isn't for the sake of waiting and to make me crazy by not being actively swift. Everyday, i have to come back to my chair and the posture i am most familiar resumes until God gently nudges my chair towards His direction. He flattens my hands and straightens my back giving space for my heart to be open. My longings rise up to early in the morning. They are quickly followed up by a checklist because at least if i can't have, I can do. As I begin to still, I sense my mind moving from all that i want to accomplish and control to a place of availability. Availability to hear, to ask, to feel, and to realign with Truth. Everyday. Because i forget by nightfall.

and this time, i feel this relentless nudge that we are going to meet over and over until we are new and the familiar position is different. i am both thankful for the persistence to pursue a slow learner and exhausted by all the space in-between.