a heart opening

i stayed up late for a week on end desperate to find a place to surprise Stephen for his birthday. And i do mean desperate. I have never in my 13 years with Stephen wanted so badly to serve up love on a plate and take him off guard in a slap happy way. I have never wanted so badly to transport all the hard work, endless dead ends and gut wrenching conversations to land us in snowy mountain serenity. it basically had to happen. 

*Reminder here my friends that i struggle with high expectations. Expectations that with effort things will work and be magical. Expectations that PH willl glow with elation because of my labor and more importantly from recieving joy. I expect that something will go down easy and soft and glittery. 

By releasing expectations I may more fully enter into hope. Hope is not dressed in shoulds. Hope is not on a timer. Hope is not deserved. Hope is scary as hell to me. Hope doesn't have boundaries or promises. Hope can partner with dissapointment. Hope is not high expectations, its heart opening. Hope lays longing out in a vulnerable way not in a demanding way. 

Everytime the clouds lift enough that i can see the snow covered mountains, hope invades a space in my heart. When i stare out into water, hope arises from my belly. But the truth is i find myself wanting to look away. i cannot consume the feeling because I am so aware of its nemisis of defeat and dissapointment. and i've run out of space for their visit. so i smush down the hope invasion and work hard to stay "realistic". 

and after so much smushing and smushing, i tire. and all the little things that at on most days seem like no big deal bring me to easy agitation and i rush for my second best friend named control. if hope screwed me over, i can always find something i can actually control. oh goodness i am revealing my cycle, please don't call me on it yet. but i know i have to stare at it directly in the face, call it by name and shove it out the door. becasue what hapens when i abandon hope, raise expectations and assert control is not pretty at all. to any of my people. or to myself.

or to my God. it puts a very direct wedge between us as i say to Him... Hoping wasn't worth it. I'm dissapointed again. Let me clean my house from head to toe and excercise harder than all the days before and then i'll find relief. because you God aren't giving me any. And just how much more hoping will be asked of me? A lifetime you say. Oh Lord, then i must be completely rewired.