Her kind eyes looked straight at me and asked if there was any new news. i offered a few lines of what we are telling ourselves is good, and she looked back at me and said, "I pray for you. i pray that he will get a job that is better than anything you ever imagined." my face flushed because i was so moved and i really believe her. sweet, wise Orleen, who faithfully shows up each week to our community bible study and who has shared stories of her families journey that offers me faith. I am really beginning to adore studying the bible with these women of different backgrounds, ages and current places of worship. even on the days that very little personal is shared, i am so comforted by wisdom and faith across generations and cultures. I am so moved that she took the time to look in my eyes and to pray for me bigger than i pray for myself.
i couldn't respond so well because i had this sense that i was seen. and that scared me so badly. to some extent i have been able to dig in this journey as privately as i would like that give me the real chance to hide off the ugly days. i told the tiniest bit of our story a few weeks ago with this group. I sobbed in the middle because i realized i was truth telling, i was being vulnerable and I am out of practice. this writing in many ways is my practice, but i don't know your response or expectation so it is a great deal less risky.
Being seen seems to be a theme for me this week. (SEE GOD, i caught on....). Tuesday morning in a marriage conversation someone commented that over the course of a marriage you marry like 7-8 people because of how much we change and morph over the years of marriage. Therefore for a thriving marriage we have to keep asking each other questions. i thought about how curious Stephen and I were when we were dating. While he was at JMU and I at Carolina, we couldn't just pass time sitting together, so we were constantly pursuing conversation through email and phone conversations. it was almost like we couldn't keep our hands off each other but verbally. i wanted to know his thoughts, how his classes went, what his favorite color was, what he ate for dinner, etc. etc. i was so enamored and curious, i thought i could never ask enough questions about him.
and, truthfully, i felt a bit of a gut punch of how much opportunity there is for me to pursue him in that hungry way now. He is still worth asking a million questions to for sure. ONLY if he returns the favor, I will be SEEN. YIKES. Oopsy daisy. and in being seen I cannot decide if i am more afraid for him to know this 5th or 6th version of his wife or if i am more afraid that I won't be able to answer most questions because that would require me to know my own heart. YIKES x2.
Sheesh Orleen and sheesh marriage lecturer. i was enjoying wearing my shades.