Getting back on the bandwagon of hope is a tumultuous ride for me. Am i way too practical, linear, and a realist to believe that there is any good reason to hop back on that hope wagon? that wagon makes me feel stupid because the details of my life are not going to add up to why it makes good sense to keep dreaming and keep hoping that big time goodness is down the street. honestly i think goodness has freakin lost my address.

"Lord Jesus, forgive me when my bleeding and wounded heart causes me to grasp for life and relief from any and every source available. Instead, help me to reach only for you - that i might touch the fringe of your robe and find healing and wholeness fro the borkenness of my heart and soul." (Jim Branch)

If the bleeding woman alluded to above from Mark 5 can somehow decide that it is worth running and moving people out of her way to get to the feet of Jesus after TWELVE years of chronic pain, then I too can't give up. i cannot resign to my own devices that offer false hope of change and security or to a state of mind that is quick to fear and control. As I am learning in Ecclesiastes, a great deal of this is chasing after the wind. It's nonsense. My bandwagon of hope actually makes more sense than my tugging away at all my own resources and strength to make things right again for my family. They are right now. Because now we are most definitely where God has us.

"The spiritual life is one in which we grow out of the grasping, clinging mind into the mind of Christ. The Christ-mind releases us from our compulsion to associate personal worth with what we have accumulated." (John Mogabgab)

Well then, grow me up God, but ease my yearning for all these pretty things before my eyes of stability, fullness, and right place. I want to believe I am stable, full and in the exact right place today. Because of your presence and gentle assurance to my head and heart. Remind me we will be okay and the extended stretching will change us in ways to strengthen us for years to come. Cease the unhelpful antics of comparison and competition. I do not want to chase wind, i want to get back in wagon headed to find hope. even if the journey takes longer.