as soon as we got in the packed up gift filled car leaving each of our families, we debated walking back in and staying longer. it was that good of a time for us. halleujah. the thing is i felt the most apprehension about this holiday and i came face to my face with how desperately i need holidays and they probably become bigger than they should. which leads me to my dramatic feelings today of BUMBED OUT SAD and UNMOTiVATED. anywho, back to the good part first.

family time was very simple and very sweet. the two hardest things to stomach were not having Amy, Aaron and Sadie, my first holiday season without my sis in my life i think, and just how i felt there was so little about our life in the last year that i wanted to talk about. since the last big colorful gatherings at christmas time last year others had made the proverbial progress in jobs, pregnancy and childbirth, adventure, new homes, and our change in dear 2011 basically sucked. and that's okay, but i had to beg God for the right spirit to just BE this season. and magically, it worked, or maybe less magically and more mercifully, generously, God showed up as faithful as always and brought a bunch of really great memories for this season of anticipation.

and today we came home. it's new years. and i can't shake myself. its one of those days where i feel remotely nuerotic for how deeply i am feeling. or maybe nuerotic for how all over the place my feelings are today. i want 2012 to come, that's the thing. i want a new marker, i want a do over, i want to quit writing 11 on the end of dates, i want new ideas, new clothes, new conversations, new memories, new starts, blah blah blah. i want new.

BUT, capital B. i am a bit afraid of new. sometimes when you expect so very little its easier to relish in the sweet simple times. and now i feel myself strapping in my hopes, putting a seatbelt on my fears, and trying frantically to shut the door in my head for thoughts wanting to show up again that are ultimately good, but ask me to long or reflect. i feel myself saying WAIT, NO... we are DISCONTENT and SURVinNG... dont rock that boat, we have finally figured out how to steer it (not really), but hold up should i actually be starting a new year saying... OKAY GOD.. what?, where?, how? and most significantly WHEN?... and BRING it. Can i possibly refresh my mind?.. get a mulligan on the last year and start this one positive, hopeful, longing and more connected to myself, my daughter, my husband, my fam my community and my God.

what i feel sure of is i want to get out of myself a bit. i am indeed hoping for a bigger picture of life that allows me to relish more often in the sweets. The days and days of thinking of our dear friends the Kelly's helps this, its one of those reminders that life is now, life is way bigger than our row of circumstances and things get rewritten not always to our liking. i want to respond bigger. i want to respond this year more thoughtfully (oh my did i say that last year?) i want to double check what i think and know know to be true and try again to live more fully out of that. i gotta get out of the weeds. i gotta get new. Mercies new every morning Hallejuah, i'll try again.

Happy New Year. Bienviendo 2012.

(ps. fun christmas pics posted tomorrow once i can download them)