hoping is so dangerous. it puts me out there. i don't like to be out there unless things are secure and good. in a recent sermon our pastor said, " the power of hope is that what is true about your soul cannot be lost, it is already well." my soul is well. things have been won on my behalf.
how do i live that? how do i live that now in the midst of what i feel is this resistance to rest and the urge to wind up that in fact this isn't the life i asked for, hello. how can i transport? i have found myself recently thinking deeply about what life could have been like if... sweetly and gracefully God reminds me through a dear time with a friend, that there isn't this other magical side. at least not now. this part is the journey, the end is already won, and on this side, each home has beauty and each home has hardship. my fantasty of what if may meet one longing but another would arise. is this our nature? dangit, can't we be simpler? while half the world probably hopes that those closest to them find passion and purpose, i hope for stability and provision. there are losses even in stability but i dont recognize them because they are so green to me right now.
hannah is one of the lovliest little girls i ever knew, cleary I couldn't be more biased, but i adore her so. she is thoughtful and sweet. she is wanting to learn so badly and wanting quality time so badly. i worry she is losing the most in all of this because i am hoping so hard for a life that may serve her no better. and she is actually quite happy in this one, she just wants attention at the end of the day and her mind is curious of what's next and what's out there. we prepped her last night that we were leaving for a short trip for seattle, and after some confusion and sadness, she yells through the wall once the door is closed, "have fun mom". and my heart sank, thank you Hannah. then she yelled my name once more and when i peeped in her room, she asked if i could lay down beside her. of course. i need to pack, shower and sleep, and you are supposed to get yourself to sleep, but that is all hogwash, of course, i can. so i snuggle in beside her in the tiny twin bed that was once my dad's, and as i wrap my arm around her waist, she slowly moves her hand right on top of mine. its all we needed, a little time to rest together and hold hands.
afterwards i go back to my room and i think, it is well, it can be simpler. little victories everyday. so here we are, in seattle, night before huge interviews. scared as crud, not sure what to hope or not but gonna wake up, sure of whose we are and who we are and heading in to what is before us..