i have a bit of an achievement problem. i really don't like to under achieve, appear lazy or fall behind in pretty much anyway. i don't know anyone who really does but for me, it's a driver. one that sits on the bench next to expectations for me and takes up too much space.

we tried potty training. it was awful. Horrible. it harkened me back to sleep training, which i also found to be entirely heinous. Everyone has their method. we chose the "pottywise" way, and i am not remarking at all on that book, i am remarking on the fact that it 100% did not suit my baby girl. we tanked. i know the kid won't go to kindergarten in diapers but i hope we didn't do any real harm to her. i had so much anxiety hoping my kid was getting chock full of liquids so she could put pee in the potty that i nearly lost my mind.sheesh.

by sunday i went to church alone. and during the song You're Here

"Jesus, you're the author of my heart
Told me you wanted every part
And now my life and its demands
Are resting safety in your hands

And I can hear your voice inviting:
"I'm here,
I'll never leave your side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am your God"

And something just sat with me. ash, what are your trying to prove? the race is already won. you stubborn weary child. Breathe deep and know, He is there. we are good. there is no gain in the earliest potty trainer, there is no gain in the hardest working woman, there is no gain in the thinest lady. okay, we'll maybe some gain to all of those, but you see the point... what exactly do i push so hard for... do i need to? i'm covered. i'm loved. Hannah too. who is measuring? i can't push harder that i will gain more favor from God. it seems that can't be true but i am to believe it is. He loves me now. He loves Hannah now. what's the dern worst thing about a failed potty train attempt? my pride?

So i walk away, not defeated, but with another learning. and also bigger than that, reminded that every once in a while its worth slowing down enough out of our plans to figure out what they are really all about. i don't think my intentions for wanting Hannah to be potty trained were bad. in fact i still believe she could do it. but when my best laid plan and best timing doesn't work out, i gotta let go. its not the end of the world. in fact, the race is already won. breath.