I am an adrenaline junkie. I come to this realization basically every weekend, but it hasn't been named until this morning. Many weekends can be a mess for us, unless they are chockfull of plans. On weekends, with free time, I am waiting for my next rush and have the time to feel all the restlessness in my body while I figure out what to do. I don't mean it harsh on myself. I am learning.

It can play out something like this. Its Sunday, my day to sleep til 8am. I see the sun peering through the windows early so I think, If I go ahead and get up early I can get my exercise in before church and that leaves more of the day to do more fun things. So I get up, drink a cup of coffee (first and favorite rush) and read a short devotional (because heaven forbid I just sit with my coffee and stare into space). After working out the next 45 mins is perfectly blur of smoothie making, showering, getting ready for church and flying out the door.

Post church is a perfect opportunity for family breakdowns. Especially if the lesson was worth hearing. Because your heart and mind are stirred, emotions realized and then poof you are back on the street trying to figure out what to do with the day. Oh and everyone in your family has a different idea for the perfect Sunday. First is Stephen's hope to garden, which translates in my special brain to mean, "you tackle the train wreck indoors and i'll plant and beautify outdoors, which is like a hobby but mine is like a responsibility. And by the way I think Hannah will be entertain-able outside but she may end up needing a few breaks with you to figure out some things to play. I am selfish people. This is not a Sunday plan where I can figure out what is EXCITING and SPECIAL and RESTFUL for me. Do we go to the Market first, can I at least get an americano with steamed milk and fresh flowers? At which point Stephen says, come garden with me, which i realize is honest pursuit and thoughtful only its kind of like inviting me to learn sewing. I don't totally love it. My thoughts of gardening is nothing itchy and no bugs, but a crisp glass of rose and a book in the garden. Or cutting bloomed flowers for a bouquet. I can do the grit part with worms, but again, this is not the Sunday plan of excitement for me. So I push and complain and even pick on Hannah's hair being in her face. Because I am restless and this isn't the next best thing and my people are letting me down.

Except they aren't. They invite me to their world and play but I turn it down for not being big enough. What I am really turning down is that it isn't big enough to cover all that I am covering up from feeling. And I am desperate for a save. an exciting save, and adventure, a good thing for us to do even, people for us to help maybe. All because if I sit in this room with no agenda and let all of us do our own thing, I slowly but surely u n r a v e l.

I picture my mom and wonder what on earth she is thinking and feeling as she braces to go back to Duke, back for an MRI and for consideration in a trial. I realize we don't have words yet for what we will feel or think if she isn't able to be in the trial, and our last save is exhausted.

I realize that Stephen has a few days left at his job. The job that did save us in many ways, a job I am so proud of him for doing so well. A job that was steady and good provision. And I have to release that he may have the capacity to start anew but I hardly have the energy to learn the new cast of characters. I am happy for him and proud of him for sure. But i see more transition in the future and I long for a year with all major categories working out, just 365 smooth days... (job, health, home), but maybe that's silly.

and all in the very same week, we continue recognize the highs and lows of this uncontrollable process of adoption. we find the fear and the hope raging like a wild tide in our hearts. we have important conversations ahead and we brace ourselves.

So while i know i prefer the rush of the activity, I sit. I name. I confess. I hope to hear and know God is near. I try not to take my people down in my need for mania in order to solve my pounding heart. i let it pound.