The words have a long shelf life for us. I never thought I would be so happy to hear that I was an approved waiting family. After all, waiting isn’t really my style in the first place.

And then I found myself staring at the books, the books that would sit in the hands of birthmothers that have our picture on them. how odd. how difficult. how wonderful. the message is, we can’t wait to welcome a child into our home. the courage for the woman holding our book is beyond my comprehension most days. The guts to say, I can’t.

The images for me have roamed in and out of my mind for years. the longing for my own swollen belly, touching so many others along the way, and then to picture this one. This one swollen belly on the body of a stranger. the feeling of the growing baby kicks and turns are one woman’s dream and one woman’s most frightening moment. What to do with this baby? I wish….. we both say.

Hannah jots down two lists of names, one in case it is a boy and one in case it is a girl. How do I celebrate her joy and imagination while pacing her hope? How do i allow her to rearrange her room in her mind to make space for this baby’s clothes and toys and also let her know that by the time this baby arrives she may have no interest to share a room? How do i explain that my heavy wet tears represent loss and dreams come true? I have imagined even the approval day for so long , that now that it is here I remember my true longing more clearly. For one very tiny second I get totally lost. and I see myself holding a baby again, and I see a family of four and I am DRENCHED with sobs.

How foolish hope seems. How long desire stands.

I pictured for years you wearing a shirt that says BIG SISTER. I know you too dream of that belonging title, and all I could offer you was a sign that says Big Sister SOMEDAY. And you received it joyously.
So here we are. An official waiting family. An approved adoptive family. A family of four - SOMEDAY. a big sister - SOMEDAY.

Thank you for joining us in hope and prayers for all the birthparents that will hold that book. That there heart at just the right time will be drawn to our little family.