I listen to Adele entirely too much. I can't help it. I try to take a week off but there is so much to like. That's a side note to the background, but what I really want to write about is the forefront.

My best efforts to not think of you 24/7 and to not get too far in my imagination are getting harder and harder. I have been truly reasonable. protective. guarded with hope. until i guess the last 24 hrs. It may be because now I have looked at your face, held your small body, and had you lay your head on my shoulder. could be that. or it could be watching you climb on Hannah and heard her wake up at the crack of dawn and come ask me... "so mom, how many more days until we know? I can't stop thinking of M." Her hope all out in the open. Not to be so well controlled or boundaried or hidden. Or it could be what it was like to watch Stephen pick you up. His tattoo strong arm and rather stoic face try to contain his longing while he picked you up in the air. I knew better.

Oh goodness gracious, I can lay it all out so exquisitely and magically in my head. Your story of survival that you wont even understand for a few decades. your early abandonment that is gut-wrenching and such a loss for the selfish blind others. and the strength and courage of your mom. all the while you crawl with intention and smiles straight to each of us. And oh if we could only squeeze and hold you as long as we wish your paddle feet would rarely find ground. Today Hannah said she missed you. And my walled-up heart throttled. I know. Me too. And we don't even know you yet.

You are changing us already. And we may never get to hold you again, but the supernatural experience of care and hope we have had with your mother has already changed us. It's so imperfect and at the same time just right. The longest longing stretches out it seems forever and it is worth the wait I can tell. We will try again to pace our hearts. But know, there are people all over the country saying your name and your mother's name to God. I am so glad. All I can hope is Thy will be done.