i miss my kids in a new way. Here I am in a hotel in Texas and the highlights of my day are staring at a computer screen to facetime everyone at breakfast and then again in the evening. Only slight problem is that because it is as confusing as all get out for Mateo, he basically cries everytime he sees my face, and tonight, reached his arms up to the phone. At which point I started looking up flights to see how much it would cost to get home tomorrow. Because right now I feel i may physically combust with how badly I wanted to reach back through the phone and pick him up. Precious boy. Im an idiot. We were not ready for me to have a work trip and to be gone like that. And this is the beginning of forever of you and me learning together. I can't believe how often I will fail you as a parent. I'm sorry and I'm trying, but goodness gracious ask your sister, there are lots of days of I'm sorry. But I pray and beg your whole little body knows how much i love you and i want to do better tomorrow.

Speaking of Hannah, she is as lovely and delightful as i have ever known. And I am realizing ever so quickly that she is also a very serious girl who loves to laugh. and it may be my life's mission to keep alive the part of her that loves to laugh for as long as humanly possible. Because with all her sincerity and thoughtfulness, the way she comes alive in her eyes when she laughs is about the greatest thing. And even as many times as I tell myself, go with it, be silly, laugh too.... I find myself at the end of long days when its time to go to bed and she wants a few more zerberts or to be silly and floppy for a few more minutes that some switch in me says, I'm done. i'm tired, i have no nothing left and its time for me to put a bow on this day. Oh her eyes, and the piercing wisdom of her voice, mom why do you have to be so firm, whats so important now? in my head i think, only you, and the words that fly out instead are... the dishes still left downstairs, and the tidying that needs to happen and the emails and forms to take care of for tomorrow. and instantly i see her face change as i expose responsibility when all you want is play and rest. Oh goodness me, i pray for some wins. i pray for as many nights as I can be silly for a few more minutes. and i beg for self control not to tell you, my dear daughter the weight of responsibility I am carrying because it is not yours to carry in anyway. Forgive me love.

So i lay here in this beautiful hotel room with peace and quiet and all I want is to be in my home knowing what PJ's you have on and kissing your heads goodnight. I want to sleep down the hall and wake up to you and make so many promises i'll be there for you and protect you. And I'll try, Lord knows I'll try, but its the beginning of forever too of me trusting God and letting go of the control that I can even do all the protecting I want. I pray one day after whatever amounts of therapy you may need, that we come back and see how broken and how beautiful the whole thing is - parenting - mothering - faith - careers - responsibility - ahh - i hope on that day that by some grace your memory is of some presence and laughter alongside the firm and responsible.