9 pills start my day. then white toast or a white eggo (or more like yellow). if that doesn't hurt i try for some midmorning snack. i ask myself if i should risk the new organic decaf coffee. most days i have to try, even if just for the smell. how i miss my dear starbucks. then i head into the day hoping for energy. fatigue is a very annoying symptom to someone unintersted in being slowed down. at night the tired body falls and then the medications keep the mind going. and then i take more medicine so i can sleep. (special to be miss pharmacy all the sudden). so with the extra hours, some tears have fallen and some questions are being asked. Oh God this is a new space.. what do you want me to see? i feel humbled and defeated on many fronts from health to work, what's in that for me, what's the bright spot? i feel a need to turn, ya know, see a new view and in that give real time to introspection and conversations with God. i also feel this awareness, again, of my lack of control over the future. but listen, at the end of the day, a meal appeared randomly from a former colleague who heard i was sick. fantastic. so we made it and i at least regain perspective that i probably tell myself too often, " this isn't the end of the world", a sigh, i have a great home, a great husband, a miraculously generous & caring community & family, and a beautiful diaper rash baby that i adore. all is well, bring on the white bread.