My first first class experience. I wish Stephen were here so bad, I can’t stand having this without him. The crazy thing about flying is for one minute I feel invincible like I can go anywhere, do anything, and I am so full of anticipation and curiosity. I am always curious about half the people on the plane, where they are going, where they came from, why they get to sit in first class, what will I see out the window, how many pools can I find?

At the same time my adrenaline rushed adventure I feel the turbulence of the plane, I hear the whistle of the engine and I begin to think my life might end. I think of all the scenarios and I hope like heck the pilot can find water to land on so I may have some chance to survive. I immediately have rushing thoughts of what I wish I had done and I picture Stephen and Hannah alone. Its awful and morbid I know, but its what we all do right?

I never leave Hannah without capturing our last words and looks in my mind. Today, I made sure we sang “ you are my sunshine” before I left, she sings along now. And I never leave Stephen without saying I love you. Because I am a freak or I’m prepared, whatever you make of it. And every time I leave I realize I don’t look at their faces often enough. Like just look without distraction or mission. If I think about it I may cry they are both so handsome/beautiful to me I can barely take it. But we are so caught up, so I love the little things. I miss the adventure of plane rides that were leading to something besides work. I realize how much I have a love/hate relationship with travel. I’m pretty sure I could make it were I to fly first class more often… more people like Maryanne at the US Air counter, that’s what I need. Anyway, today I add these things to my gratitude list:

1. random, unexpected, unwarranted acts of kindness – like maryann, giving me a first class seat for no good reason.

2. Lover’s goodbye kiss that erases the chaos and sends a message that life together, even messy, is better

3. Shower dancing with Hannah as she wants to take a shower with me if it means 5 more minutes together before more work. Its unorganized and often hygienically unnecessary and we do it anyway.

4. For days out of rhythm where I may do and see new things.