on my last day at the beach i felt this pain rise almost from my heels up until it landed with a thud on my heart. i scurried around trying to wish away a long thought and hide out in distraction. i was unsuccessful. even in movement, i felt the wetness from my eyes unavoidable. right there in the middle of my yoga in the sun, i broke in a way i haven't broken in a long long time. my thoughts were crystal clear.

i wanted to leave the beach and go back to my house on Wilmore Drive in Charlotte. i wanted to be in my kitchen and sleep in my big bright room and smile at newly tanned skin in my mirror. i wanted to call up friends and let them know i was back from vacation and then get a good night's rest to head into work on Monday. I wanted to not feel so desperately sad to leave the beach for a life i was so happily ignoring was mine for the last 10 days surrounded by friends and family.

i went back into the house hoping no one would see me and went to our room and oddly Stephen and Hannah were there. i couldn't catch my breath between the sobs it seemed and thankfully, so very thankfully, Stephen let me be with him and alone at the same time. It was almost like he was waiting for this. for tears without control. for grief.

it was healing actually to live into that even for 5 minutes and to deeply sense and understand the loss and change. im hoping its part of acceptance and movement.

needless to say, i survived our first east coast visit and even more our return. actually the visit was nearly perfect, i wouldn't have changed a day, it was as rich as double chocolate brownies and as smooth as baby's skin. as lonely as the return is, i have my two people God gave me and I will try again to figure this all out.

*will go back to stories on Oster fam beach trip and CLT with pics but wanted to mark my first sob first.