someone recently told me that PMS is actually a good time to explore our most authentic self because all the things we can mask on other days we can't hide as well at the height of hormones. well i hope like hell they are wrong or else my truest self is a bleary eyed, highly irritated, sob mess with a bag of m&m's on the side. i can't get out of my way today.
i sat on the back row of the church this morning hardly believing that it was worth rallying through the 50 degree rain and crazed emotions to show up. my outfit felt frumpy and Lord knows when we last brushed Hannah's hair, but my makeup went on smooth so at least half the mask worked. that is UNTIL i find myself frantically searching for tissue in my bag because i feel a tidal wave building up.
the speaker is talking about her family's big move three years ago from Eastern Washington to Seattle (all 200 miles i am thinking), and her long wait for more children as she is now finishing first trimester with her 2nd child and she's maybe early 30's, and that life is full of uncertainties as she looks to NEXT year when her husband finishes LAW school and they don't know where they will be. Hmm. But she was gleeful and confident that as He has in the past, that God would direct their steps. I wanted to holler from the back row, FAT CHANCE or LUCKY YOU or HOW SWEET.
really you are worried about a potential UNKNOWN in your life NEXT FEBRUARY after you deliver you SECOND child and your husband has A LAW DEGREE? totally relatable. in TWENTY days we will be unemployed, have no tenants in our house in Charlotte and need to move out of our house here because the landlord has decided to raise rent 10% for the next year. We have about 5 doctor and dentist appointments that need to be booked but don't know if insurance will stretch and absolutely no idea how to plan for summer programs because we have no idea where we will be living to book them. i haven't been home in almost a year and miss sweating, chick-fil-a, and my friends so much it hurts. CRY myself a tiny river. Hide in bathroom to decide if i can make it through group time. My anger turned to deep sadness as my mind told me i cannot do this any longer. im breaking. again.
i learned a long time ago how absolutely pointless comparison is for us. it loves no one. so in the event i ever become friends with the speaker, here is my apology in advance. Your trials are significant and matter very much and they have changed and grown you. I too think God will direct your steps and I hope its good. Im just bitter as all get out today. im tired of my days. im lonely in these problems and i cannot accept my manna today. Because i am so damn tired of this. i want to know something earthly. even though i am supposed to be satisfied with all the eternal gifts you are giving me, i still want something of this earth to be working out in any of the 7 plans ive laid out. can't we pick one and MOVE ON? can we have a job, baby, house or even just a girlfriend that wants to get a glass of wine? my own words taste bitter to type because i resist so mightly this sour talking whine party. But that's me today. So bring on the m&m's.
i refresh my mask and stay for group to borrow others faith and add very little for the day. at the end of group one of the women i admire so much calls me over. She hands me a small sheet of paper that looks like you'd put your grocery list and it has a verse on it. i can't even look down im scared i'll cry so hard so i stare at her and she tells me the verse came to her this week and she wanted to share it with me in case it blessed me. it did. it softened me. it loaned hope. thank you shiny person.