the sky here today is difficult to call cloudy because you can't actually see individual clouds its as if the whole sky is one massive gray lump occasionally spitting. i am surrounded by small stacks of laundry and socks yet to be matched, a cup of hot tea and a mind with a full checklist. its my 60 minute slot everyday where i wonder what self care and family care look like and how much they overlap.
today once my body stopped, i just cried. i have been wanting to cry and heal since early January. I find i keep losing water from my eyes with stories mostly disconnected from my own, like say... a commercial or a picture or a blog entry. but in the deepest part of my gut i have known there is tsunami waiting to erupt from what feels like the tapless emotions. i can't get in there but i am full of emotion, but not emotional. weird right. i know.
the duality of my mind is wearing me down: i am refreshed and completely lost by the disorientation in our life right now. i am bored and angered with the mononity of unanswered hope and equally with the desire that all things be answered in my time.
I just read a quote that "It does us no good to sit stubbornly with the wrong sail raised and wish the wind were different." This broke me down. I gotta lower my sail and raise another one. Luckily I am counting on more than the wind to lead me.
i have my part to play as well. the boat is unlikely to reach shore safely with me sleeping underneath, I must participate by watching, listening and responding. but i cannot control the wind. and i will be exhausted not acknowledging when it changes directions. and i don't want to float. i want to move towards something. my somethings just appear to be out of my current knowledge.
what i hear is do what's before you each day. Pursue wisdom and act intentionally. Don't get lost worrying about the wrong details. Know or better yet, have faith that what's before you is a God. A Savior. A King. He is Mighty to Save. He cares for the lilies and the birds. He is unchanging and all powerful. He cares for us. He will direct your steps.(even when i thought i had laid out such a good course)
So, we go back, day after day, and ask to be made all the wiser of who He is and how we might find place in this grand story. and because we are who we are we beg that our place be a little less unsure and gut wrenching. and still we do not cease from asking for peace and joy in between. Shore still feels far away but even today there is much to do.