I woke up and tried to ignore the alarm and not go for my run. Stephen told me the sun was shining and I would feel so much better if I went for it, and if i was really tired, I could nap later. It felt like a bear hug, i felt so known and loved was just what i needed to hear. the day started off so so beautifully.

from about 10am on however I'd kind of like to erase. i'm hormonal and agitated there is just no other way to say it. the second half the day i DREAMED of going to work. i just wanted to go to work SO badly. Clearly, i knew the day would come but I didn't know what it would feel like and it overwhelmed me for today. i didn't want to be a mom or manage a cluster of a household. it's just the truth. i wanted to run by starbucks after my run and get in my car and listen to NPR and wear makeup and a suit and go into an office. i even would have been fine to sit in meetings I think because i'd be around other adults talking about something that had nothing to do with kids or food. I wanted to do something I felt good at and leave feeling like something was advanced in the day.

lion day i guess. not the end of the world of course but if i am trying to blog honestly everyday and Lord, who knew 50 days would be so long (can't believe ya'll still read), this one was a lion. ready for the mercy new tomorrow morning.