It’s hard to believe the calmness, even the light above snow clouds. down there people are shoveling out of their driveways, sledding down hills, sitting by fires, trying to get to work, enjoying the forced break in pace, making snow angels, drinking cocoa, ahhhhh. Goodness mostly except all the people that are stuck and wish they were somewhere else.
And here I am cruising above the beauty and chaos thinking through my own.
I get this deep calls to deep feeling this days. And I sense my physical resistance to wanting to go deep. I sense my desire to slough and muscle through without as much heart engagement as I know deep down might be necessary to live well right now. We are staring at life and it feels like the most precious balance of when we are the pursuers of our days or when we are the robots. So I know I don’t want to be a robot but to be a pursuer, to be living more fully more consciously takes a will I am shocked I don’t have right now. Aggravated actually. I pride myself on strength or know how and I don’t know how right now.
It doesn’t feel like a low season at all. It feels like a thick season. Is there such a thing, no I know, but a season where the layers are stacking like laundry and while there are very beautiful pieces in there, I gotta pick them up, fold them and figure out where they go. And I can’t find all the matches. And Hannah and Stephen are also impacted if I can’t find the other sock. Yes, I took the analogy too far, but my point is, these thick layers are stacked with disappointment, curiosity, hope, anxiety, anticipation, love, responsibility and my ignoring these has an affect on those in my everyday life. One that I want to be good.