remember how i mentioned how slowly my brain and heart connect. well my brain finally absorbed the words I keep saying outloudly so calmly... things like, yeah, we are moving across country, yeah, its gonna be great, you know it's my husband's turn and this will be a fabulous opportunity, right, we can't sell so we are going to rent our house, and yeah, my husband is driving across country to find us somewhere to live, my last day is the end of march. what will i do in seattle... um, yeah, i have no idea but i'll take any connections. yeah, hannah is totally resileint, she'll be fine... it'll just be a wee bit of an adjustment to leave her SuSu and Ba, and the little girl she has basically be with since she was 11 weeks old, yeah, she'll bounce back, well make new friends with the spare energy. yeah, airplanes apparently don't fly boxers across country, so we'll figure something out with Guch. Yeah, i promise we can meet again before i leave the University, i'll make sure the pass off is smooth, i'll get the layout of projects for you so it will make for easy transition, sure i can help think with you on best candidates to take the board seats i serve on, no problem, yeah the cost estimate for the move is only $5K OVER what we thought, ha ha... Okay you get the point. all these things keep coming out of my mouth, and finally my brain caught up enough to process... PURPLE COW! this is one big damn deal. wow. did we mean to do this?

everytime i am with one of the beautiful young children in our life i want to hold them longer and tighter. i want to know them when they keep growing up. i don't want to be out of their lives or them out of Hannah's.

if i have an ounce of energy i want to find anyone who will have a glass of wine with me because i don't want a moment to spare without lots of last memories. i am not missing a class at the gym because i have my favorite bootcamp and yoga teachers. and my colleagues are bascially running a straw poll of when i will start to care less on projects with the time starting two weeks after i leave instead of before... ha ha.

so, i hit it. i hit the point where i am desperately aware of my limits. frightenigly concious of how long i go before i attempt to reconnect to my foundation of hope, joy, peace and allow my strength to come from truth not illusion. so, true, calm has left the building, it is on now at this house, but also true, God has always been faithful to us, to provide the people and resources we need, and actually even more, our portion has always been generous. okay, brain, we can do this. (ps. a slower pace of mayhem would still not be objected)