I am trying desperately to think of all the benefits of growing up. it's a short list. like sex and wine are all that come to mind. I realize that isn't good, but the responsibility of being an adult and the gray hairs and wrinkles are about to put me over the top. i feel like we are such a work in progress with so much on our minds so often. is it because we are the wandering sort? the discontented? the overachievers? or is this the life? okay so there are other benefits like relationships with family, friends, and deeper understanding of faith, marriage.

but i have a dear friend going through chemo. i'm not ready for that. it breaks my heart. i can't know people with cancer. i have absolutely no way to fix it.

and work, we live in the debate of is work, work or should work always be connected to our purpose, our hearts? how do we know our space for the days or does it not matter all that much at the end?

all i want is to grow the family. we can't without a hell of a process and verification of capability. i am so wiped out trying to muster the strength to reenter infertility. i'm too pissed, too sad. i don't want that to be our story.

can i really stay a working mom with this love for work that is not to be outdone for my deepest love for more time with Hannah? do i have a choice in this? sometimes i wonder because of my design if i have a choice?

can i really circle through cycles of 10 hour work days matched by frenzied feeding, bathing, reading followed by dirty dishes, overflowing laundry, another missed workout routine, and all the planning to survive the next rounds of much of the same? oh yeah and the wife thing. i want to be an available wife. does balance exist or just the balance of sacrifice?

is it all bigger than me and we focus too much on the wrong things? how can i be fired up about more eternal things?

i learned when Hannah was little that it is really good to sing to kids as you are putting them to sleep because they play the melodies in their heads over and over. I sort of feel sorry for the fact that i have no harmony to my melody, but hannah ask me all the time, "sing it again momma". the song that we have been stuck on is God is so Good. One night i am singing to her and i start to ask myself how much i believe all the lyrics, God is so Good, He answers prayers, He loves me so, and this wave of emotion came over me. As i am singing, He answers Prayers and looking at Hannah's face, i miss a few beats and take a deep breath. ahh, our memories are so short. So short on the provisions, the miracles, the gifts, the goodness. And i knew real clearly at that moment that i would rather spend the rest of my life believing in that song and being wrong that not believing in that song. i gotta believe it... God is so Good. He answers Prayers. He Loves me so.

the picture is bigger. actually it's huge. so i can grow up. happy even, wrinkles and tires aside. remembering all that has abounded thus far and try to look head on with anticipation, hope not fear or worry. God loves me so. God loves Hannah so. God loves Daddy so. One question at a time.