I woke up and felt 80 years old. Between the hard bed and grey skies I wasn't sure I could move. My bladder changed the game so I was up, and soon without much though,t putting on my running clothes and pressing the coffee machine. I keep anything that can feel remotely the same. Gratefully, our airbnb is really spectacular and likely I'll do a picture series one of these nights but it has been a very warm welcome. This is one of the first mornings I couldn't really make out the view of the city with the heavy clouds and fog. I took the elevator down 7 floors and walked outside and raindrops hit my face. I loved it. It was much warmer rain and seemed like everything was sticking to me but my legs took off. And unlike rainy mornings in Seattle, I had the whole light rail trail to myself. I loved that too, it reminded me I gained something.

One of the hardest things about trying to write about daily life and set a rhythm of remembering is also telling the truth of the day. And words aren't coming as easily the last few days. One of my dearest friends lost her dad this week. I felt almost a panic to wish away what I can imagine with far more vividness than I wish of the finality of letting someone go. When every single moment is seared in a surreal reality of a place you could never fully take your mind until it is fully there because the sting is so great, the gravity of loss quite unimaginable. No matter the perfectness of the relationship with the person or not, when they are gone there is a shift in the earth. And I am learning that once you have felt that shift with your own feet that small tremors return when the details of someone you love's loss is described to you. I want to be careful what I say here because I am still processing - for my friend - for my self - for all my close friends who have lost a parent too soon. I want to be careful I speak less and hear her more. Each of our experience so different that part of my tremors this week is asking myself if i can set aside what i know, even when the memories are crashing back, to hear what is real for my precious dear friend so that I may know her and her loss more fully.

So for today, i was glad to get soaked and try to process what i know my body is holding for someone i love and also for the way the grief finds its way back into my bloodline with force. To be continued.