I walk back through the door energized. I slip off my heels, and head to the kitchen as I see Stephen finishing up the final dishes from the night. I excitedly begin relaying details of the benefit dinner I attended at my old place of work. I got to see colleagues, friends and donors while eating delicious food in a sacred space on a sunny evening. All felt really well.

As soon as I wrap up some stories of the interactions I had, i assume we are headed to relax in the living room when Stephen says, "I need to update you on the house. The buyers want out of the contract. They feel we didn't disclose some issues with the roof and therefore not only do they want out, they want all their money back including due diligence and inspection fees." Every ounce of energy and hope ran out the door as fast as you can imagine. I deflated and as I did fear filled up my body. As PH continued to fill me in on the back and forth of the day, my head was spinning. I was stunned silent.

Why is such an unhelpful question in this case, but I couldn't control all of what was flooding my mind. Why must we go through so much up and down and run around? Why did i get the words from my Keeper, get 3 bids in one day, believe that we were actually going to receive more than what we imagined - all to lose again - and this time lose to people out for blood? And a process that feels so out of control. I am 3000 miles away, i can't look my realtor in the eye, the buyers, or the inspector or the roof guy or anyone to get me real answers. And I am covered in feelings of foolishness in this process. For hoping. For believing it was all going to work out great. And feelings of being an idiot in a process I don't understand, and for the 27 year old versions of ourselves who waived one inspection that may costs us thousands of dollars now because our contractor did poor work.

I feel dumb. I feel out of control. I feel foolish. I am also annoyed and angry to find ourselves in this pretty much worse case scenario. As i wrote those things out, i realize now why I cannot win in conversations about the house because I am flooded each time with each of those emotions and I spiral quickly. Not only are the emotions a perfect soup storm for anxiety and defeat, but also, the house represents so much for me.

That bungalow was our first house together, and all that Stephen and I have worked hard for years to buy. And to watch our little investment and all the funds to cover the year its been on the market go out the door hurts me. Then to know that the sale, even in its best case scenario still doesn't give us what is needed to buy here has me feeling trapped. Is all of this a sign? Are we in the wrong place? Do two contracts falling through mean its time to go back ourselves, especially since we don't have the millions needed to buy a home here? I have zero idea.

And I don't know if any of these details matter exactly or if again this is something of life to teach, stretch and shape us. What do i need to learn Lord? Is there an easier route by chance? What matters to me and what do I trust? What matters to me is that I can create a space for my people and share life as big and often as we can. What matters is that we work hard no matter what even if money doesn't last or add up or make a damn bit of sense. What I believe if i calm myself down enough is that we will be provided for even if it looks different than the picture in my head - and for sure, already and usually - even if it is different than the timing in my head. AND at the risk of sounding so cliche - we are already so fortunate for the roofs over our head and the humans underneath them that we have to love, so my self contempt and fear can find the nearest exit now as i work hard to welcome gratitude and hope back.