I deeply miss you mom. I have a lump in my throat and I am trying to take deep breaths but mostly sighing. I want to hear what you would say to me right now. Am I okay? Do you think my kids are okay? Is there anything in a day that would make you proud? What would you tell me about how to get through this argument with Stephen? I feel ungrounded and unsure and it’s like I keep waiting for you to chime in on things. The way you would reassure me and invite me to my life. The way you wouldn’t give answers but ask more questions. The way you comforted my broken heart or angry moments. I don’t know how to keep having days without that guidance, that love.

There is nothing in the world like a mother’s love. Sometimes I tell myself to be grateful that I experienced it with the depth and consistency and grit that must have made God so happy to watch you mother. And so on these days where the ache feels unbearable and I’m longing for your words, I try to remember them. All the words you have given me, all the wisdom that you have shared with me time and time again. I remember the kindess in your eyes for me. I can hear what you would want for my kids. Its not nearly the same as having you here to walk with me but I can connect with the memories of your voice and face. Your words come alive more and more each day and where they aren’t exact, I can usually make a pretty good guess of how you would advise me or comfort me.

Today marks 4 months since we lost you. I cannot believe how deeply I miss you. Your voice and presence are irreplaceable. I do not want time to weaken them, so I am stuck knowing that time may lessen the sharpness of the grief but also that there is something still alive about you to remember so keenly the way I can today. I don’t want time to pass in a way that I forget. And also I cannot have a morning this full of ache that doesn’t also feel like a morning of gratitude. I had an incredible mother who loved me so big that there is no time that could ever pass that my whole body will not remember how deeply you loved me. Thank you.