Meditation is the detachment from the confusion all around us in order to have a richer attachment to God. - Richard Foster, Prayer

Last weekend, I probably got 5 different requests for important prayer requests in one day. Today, we receive bad news and seconds later I am sending out requests to my closest peeps requesting prayer. Its a reflex for me. Part of me just feels most afraid to stand in the pain alone, so half the invitation is be with me, please. And I am beginning to wonder if that is actually what I should request or say. And its not because I have become some pessimist about the sincerity of the request or the response, but at the same time, I do wonder if its over spiritualized language doesn't match the practice or intention. Does that make sense? Anywho, I am really thinking hard about my own prayer practices and in that wondering what do I believe when I send these requests? What do I believe when I respond from others requests and say I will pray?

And the other truth is that I have this reflex to ask others to pray, and in reality, I have found it increasingly hard to turn and sit and commune with God myself. Maybe that's really what this is all about. Today I was really struck by my behavior and words when I came to realize, I don't want to prayer. I'm quite mad. I don't want to be still. I am not sure I think I could hear today. And in my doing that keeping the pain very close to my chest and my control.

I do believe that one of the gifts of reading Richard Foster's Prayer book many moons ago was I realized that my conversation with God exceeds the formal sit down, bow your head, clasp your hands type times that had been heavily promoted and shown by many in my southern upbringing. At the same rate – I also learned so much from Henri Nouwen that I do actually have to create space (that whole solitude word) to hear and allow the Spirit to move. And I believe there is a Holy Spirit alive and active - and it's possible to spend a great deal of my time distracting so that I I can’t draw near to Her. Today I chose spoonfuls’s of Nutella and Downtown Abbey to distract and not quiet myself. And as I close the day, I can tell. I can tell I was discouraged and I ran. I hoped others could save me from myself. But I did not want to sit still and hash it out with God. My evening told the truth of my running even in how i treated my people and myself. I needed the Spirit to give me the peace and strength against the odds but I turned to everything else to heal. Okay, okay, i get it now, dang this still time.