When my mom starting getting sicker and my dad wrote a post about it on a mighty oak blog, a colleague of mine at the time, came into my office and said, "I feel for you because I have this sense that you have both the privilege and burden of legacy." I'm not exactly sure what he said before or after, but that line continues to ring in my ear providing me guidance and understanding.

This are the ornaments Stephen and I made this year in her honor and gave out to friends at the party we hosted on her birthday.

Over the last year there have been mini moments I've held that legacy close where for example i looked up from the frenzied mess of my house and saw my son's longing in his eyes for play or my daughter's direct invitation to play and I got down on the floor and entered in with the mini's in my home and let the mess stay for an hour longer. And then there have been other big moments I've held that legacy close like saying yes to The Allender Center's lay counseling certificate program this year (which i am now half way through). I find so much strength for the soul work there while imagining my mother's smile and nods as she sees me enter into my own story and pursue more understanding and healing for who and how God has woven me together. And today, what would have been her 68th birthday, I feel amazed as I think with more depth on the incredible redemption story her life told. I am allowing my mind to be full of images of her and memories of her and feeling such awe and grief as I give over to them.

Although i do believe many individuals get much sweeter in their death, as I consider my legacy whenever I talk about my mom is to honor the fullness of her story and not to offer some picture perfect image of her life or my childhood. In fact, that cheapens the whole to deny parts of the reality. So let me state clearly that I believe that I was raised by a incredibly good woman who had the capacity and heart for her family and community because Her God was MIGHTY to save and was THE source of strength, healing and passion for her days in very tangible ways. She was not perfect and harm was not evaded for her or for any of us.

When I think about the whole of her life I am in awe of the reversal, the grand redemption story that her life tells. I wish I had asked more questions of the years I was scared to know about in her life. I wish I had asked for permission to share the pieces I do know. In light of both of those things, all I can say is that I am a daughter to a mother who embodies tender care, strong sight, logistical prowess, deep faith, unencumbered curiosity, truth telling. A mother who also grew up in fear and learned to take care of self and siblings very early in order to stay out of the way of addicted and abusive parents. Knowing that I grew up with a woman who delighted in me, who sought repair with me when any harm or conflict came, who honored all my uniqueness and cheered me on my discoveries every step of the way. A mother who especially later in life could not be bothered with all the culture rules for girls but who always wanted time to dream and wonder and connect with my heart.

On her birthday, as is the case with most days, I would give just about anything to be with her, hug her, ask more questions and thank her. I think on what life has looked like since I lost her and I sometimes worry she wouldn't be so proud. The burden of the legacy feels too much and I am curled up in a ball instead. And even then, i hear her voice telling me that she loves me, that I live with that same MIGHTY God and if I am connected to Him even balled up in a corner, then that is exactly where I should be. All legacy for His glory not ours. And as I think on those words, I smile, imagining that the angels must be really whooping it up celebrating her life and the glory indeed that was given to God in her lifetime.

Happy Birthday mom, miss you much and still, you are with me.