Every advent i have this strong drive to not miss a morning of getting up early. i tiptoe down the stairs and turn on the Christmas tree lights, pour a cup of coffee and sit by the quiet glow before all the hustling begins. Allured by the light and the extra sense of invitation I covet more minutes to wander. Most days right now when i close my eyes I just say God what, what am i missing?

My days feel especially recycled right now and the weight of the monotony gets to me. I have to wrestle down to my kindest settled self to know this season is not forever although it has felt so long. My dear friend gave me this beautiful card and the front just says A Thrill of Hope. I keep staring at it feeling the utter disconnect with the word thrill or hope related to this season. Last year this season was covered in dark. I have countless memories of pouring rain drives to visit my dying mother and then back to town for some festive event for my daughter. It was an impossible stretch. There was no thrill and actually very little hope. We were staring death in the face and in the very last face I wanted to see it on - and so I have no clue how to revisit the very season that is about anticipation and light and life when right now it only floods my head with memories of darkness and loss.

and YET generously I am receiving this lure to relationship with God in a way I am actually unfamiliar. Because I haven't been given many words at all for understanding it. I am tripping over my own senses as I begin to reach out for this hand that is much softer than i imagined, the grip less overwhelming and gentler to get hold of me as my body wants to drop on the floor. and I even get the sense that this God will sit right next to me and keep holding my hand if the floor is where i need to be. I picture showing to be with God barefaced and still being beautiful. It is one of the very few times in my life I see myself with God and it is not a productive scene, meaning we aren't accomplishing, saving, rescuing - I am learning again. I am curious and longing to know more intimately God.

And so i keep showing up in the early morning by the lights with what is actually quite A Thrill of Hope - to shed and to receive more and new imagination for relationship with God. A relationship with one who can bear my condition and sees the dark I hold this season. To hope that we may soon be up to much good work, and also that their is much more healing for me.