I am aware that for how much you love, it's almost like carving out the space to grieve at the same time but unknowingly. But our tolerance for the largeness of the grief space is fairly low. I do not want to hurt for too long, or with such depth. And as it is with love all the surprises that make your stomach flitter, with grief it is the lack of being tamed and orderly that is most surprising and take your breath away.

I had a dream about mom the other day when I was resting and when i woke up, I was aware I was dreaming of my mom like 20 years ago, and I was so happy. So i tried to lay right back down and keep the dream going so i could keep seeing her again in that way. Five minutes later I heard the baby cry and I was so disoriented. I did not want to return to this world, my world, the current real world and remember again that she was gone. I did not want to switch gears one more time to a whole new set of needs. My season so glaring with worthy complication.

I cannot sit and stare for the hours my body feels like doing so these days. And I'm glad of course that instead, I look straight into the eyes of new life. I see Mateo yesterday at the gas station. I am peeking through the tinted windows at him while I pump the gas. His eyes are so eager to connect. i begin making a series of funny faces, and the laughter and smiles and delight you offer back to me changes me. its so pure and sweet and generous.

So here I am, this wild season, with both love and grief abounding in my days. Both surprise me and even overwhelm me on days. Both are teaching me a great deal. The true courage for me will be allowing myself to attend to all that is brought up in these days in a way that I will actually learn and soak in that which is before me.