how to be present in pain
I am on the farthest right corner of the sofa that I can be on, it's almost 9pm and the nightly routines of dinner, dishes, baths, games and reading have all occurred. This is when I began to attempt unwinding. You sit to the left and instantly I see your busy mind and before I know it we are deep into a good but untimely question. "What keeps you from living present these days?" You ask with kindness, I can tell in your tone this is pursuit, but I am not having it. A. It's 9pm. This is the beginning of un-wind not dive deep. B. All the answers feel really obvious. C. I have no interest in answering because instantly I know my defensiveness is not because of the question or the timing persay, although i hate both, it is because I don't totally know and I don't want to think about it. So i give hearty effort to pushing you away, and letting you know the foolishness of asking when all my answers are so out in the open.
First, as for why it is so difficult to be present to the children and therefore why 75% of the days when you walk through the door I do not have a smile on my face - is because children are difficult and we've been in and out of crisis and loss for 3 years. And I am exhausted from the inside out. And, I add, by the way, on Saturdays - you are too - feeling as though if i point the finger right back at you, you will see, you are just like me - un-present, selfish, distracted, reactive. After lots of rather nonsensical commentary, mostly by me, about how we are too old to have a 1 year old and how we surely forgot how challenging this nonverbal high physical phase is... and i'm terrible at this. And then how different our approach is to holding the fullness of watching a 7 year old understand ideas of respect for authority and parental trust - and navigate new emotions of inclusiveness and talent. I am prepared with an artillery of defensive of why of course my new day job is impossible.
After you repeat that this question and hope for conversation had nothing to do with judgement and everything to do with pursuit - wanting to check-in - i'm even more upset. Why don't you check-in at 6am when I am processing the world, not 9pm when I am trying to begin forgetting all the world threw my way - droning all real life out of my head and filling it with the TV storyline. After I finish that line of good reasoning, I see your face and the defeat all over it. I began to feel the shame burning through my cheeks that I have knocked you out again for caring all because i dread thinking through this like i dread running hills. It hurts so badly. The compassion building in my heart begins to weaken the shame shower and I actually start feeling so so sad.
I don't know all the answers of why i am struggling so much to be present in my days. But i hate all the answers I have not even laid out. And, I know, I am a mess. I know this capacity change is tiring. I know it must be exhausting to walk back in the door day after day to my grumpy unsatisfied face. Truth is the kids are actually amazing 80% of the day and then turn into miniature villains right around 5pm just to tip my already imbalanced scale and lead me to believe, i cannot do this. i cannot make it. and i need you all to move out.
And then the tears fall heavy and warm down both cheeks and I am silent. And you turn towards me more. I wish you would leave me alone. Why does vulnerability always feel hard, even after all these years? But you stay in the silence and wait for me. It lasts what feels like 2 years and the tears get fuller and fuller and I begin talking again - It's only been two weeks with this new job. I haven't figured it out. It's only been two weeks since I quit having my days shaped around the drives to Edmonds and the visits to be with mom and dad. Since my grocery runs were connected to making food for them, since my exercise and house cleaning was connected to when I could fit it in before and after the visits. Since all of my energy was poured into the presence and time with my mom. It's only been two weeks. And I know I am not knocking things out of the park. i know I haven't made a meal plan or exercised regularly or slept well or eaten well, i know my body is in pain. and my kids are literally expressing pain in every form available to their tiny hearts and minds. I know. I see us all bleeding out and I cannot see the way to putting it all back together perfectly. My grief is a force in my days and I am afraid of feeling it all - or to ignoring and having it ransack me again later. And it is so rude. It is untimely and unpredictable and it cannot be squished into a routine or schedule or complete by any certain date. And so i don't know how to be present, I'm lost. And I don't know for how long.
But because you asked, I would like to try. Because my kids are hungry for my whole self, I will renew my intention and efforts with them in incremental ways that still feel kind and possible for me. And what you can do, because you are also asking, is please also do more to take care of you. Please work extra hard on your health. I am so heavy feeling that the whole system is tied to my 6pm face and energy, and in that case we are all going to sink. In my lost state, i still feel the strength of the wave of these tears connected to the depth of my love for each of you. I do still really deeply love you. Can you love me longer in my disorientation? Is it too harsh to ask that you care best for yourself for just a little longer? I don't know all the answers to your questions, but I know I want to be present. I do. I'm just not quite there yet. Thanks for pursuing me anyway.