I hang up the phone, zip up my rain jacket and take off into the dreary rainy morning to run. My head is already half way around the lake, I am so desperate for the feeling of sweat and my body to feel good. Instead as I begin the run my legs feel like lead weights and I begin to wonder if I am running in slow motion. I had no idea all the toils of leaning into grief. All of my body carries it from my head to my feet.

Air is not as easy to come by in my sleep either, i find myself even when sitting saying, breath in and let go. The pain of living in the world and watching your mother change and suffer is quite enough, but I feel we are also deep in the labor of adoption, house-sellings and move-ins, feeling displaced and in the last weekend loving a dear friend through significant loss.

I sat in the far corner of the felt greenish therapy sofa with no energy and a sore throat and found myself saying, "how could anyone ever say God never gives us more than we can handle?" Horrible old lessons that have repeated themselves for 30 years forcing me to relay on hollow verses and personal rallying - bull.

In fact, It is when we can hardly recognize the ground beneath us that we are most sure a God exists. That He is mighty to save and His spirit is comforting and leading. He doesn't show up to give us the last cheer to push through one more thing; it is the relinquishing of our own control and warring that we can enter into His . I cannot handle this current set in life. Period. No doubt I have far exceeded my ashley rallying capacity. And because of that I am learning more of God. I see His face more clearly. This is not because I am standing on solid ground.

I am renegotiating so much and in the redrawing aware of my humanness in a new way. And she says, "you know how to run fast Ashley, that is not the problem." And I think OH, right, where is the love and grace for this winded weary pace? this day by day offering of what is possible and knowing that the possible is far smaller than many many days before. Can I be kind to myself and can I believe I still have value to my people with this limited capacity and sight?

Maybe. Now that I know its hardly up to me. Now that I recognize this isn't the mustering and guts of mine to rally through this. This is the remap of having more than I can handle. And that being where I know my true need for a God.