(my delayed birthday note)

my girl my girl my girl, i am a bit oozy for you right now. i enjoy learning more about you so much these days I can hardly stand it. I find your dad and i telling stories to each other as much as we can remember of what we observed or what you said. you are funny and brave and i try so hard not to be too proud or too suffocating and give you your space to be but i surely want to squeeze you for hours a day right now.

i see too you carry us, sometimes even when you shouldn't. in the short time we have been school goers, i see how you catch on to my unfortunate self talk and up and down panic to get us out of the door. I see you wonder if i will find parking, remember your lunch or run late. baby girl, starting today, i will be quieter and more reassuring so you know those are not yours to carry. those are an overloaded brain leaking. what i want you to hear is i am thinking of you, anticipating your day and here for you even if i look at crazy and talk to myself. what i want you to hear is that I am excited for what you will learn in your day.

and at night you have prayed that mom and dad be happier, dear girl, i love your heart and your eyes. oh your eyes take in so much. i wasn't ready for your eyes to know so much but they do. i admire you because you watch and you see. and i am terrified because you watch and you see. so you observe the days when dad and i's faces are long, weary and lonely. dear girl what i wish you to know is that we are happyish. because ultimately it is all worked out and we are trying to find our way each day to know our place in this big bad beautiful world and to not let the bastards get us down. know we are crazy for each other and navigating the best we know how and we have all our hope in a mighty God.

the other day you also told me that at soccer one of the girls did not persevere. i smiled so deep my throat felt it. i know there are down sides of being one to rally and not give up and keep going, but from my view at this point, there are more down sides to caving, quitting, and not finishing well. I probably told you too many times that if you quit you can never learn or win. i am trying to make peace with all the parts of me that think that and the ones that think that sometimes the very kindest thing you will do for yourself is take a break on the field, walk away or not show up. i pray you may be even wiser than me to know the difference. this race needs perseverance and yes dear one you will be hard pressed on all sides, i pray you know where rest is also available to you.

dear one, your world is growing, the influences to your day expanding and I am trying to see well beside you. i am trying to know the days that i pick you up that all you want is no more questions and expectations but a firm yes i want to be with you and yes you can rest with me. i am trying to not scream from the sidelines all that i want you to do and all my genius ideas to better your world, but to know the right minutes when i have your attention to let you know i heard and i have an idea. i wonder dear girl as we put you in so many things, even including sunday school that as your strong imagination takes on the Bible that we will also give you the freedom to ask questions. Especially about the bible. so much of those stories are wild madness and i hope your curious mind has space there to wonder, what is this Jesus/God/Spirit thing about. I hope God's presence is near to you, and that prayer for now can be a place for gratitude and requests.

i cannot believe you are 6. in school. and this unbelievably funny, inviting, thoughtful and lovely. i thank my God everytime I think of you. happy birthday dear one.