I am holding off my heart. For too long. Finding every other busy and important thing that needs and can be conquered before this coming to sit, this place of owning, naming and dreaming, nooooooo. even now i have a mini list of things i need to do like fill out the mail in voting ballot (even though its such a weird system i can't believe they actually count them all), get the laundry to the right spots, finish my book, fill the dishwasher, worry about the unsolvables, and oh yeah get sleep.

Your heart cannot grow bigger than it's dreams. So if i am squashing the dreams as fast as they come to the table with my busy and important, is my heart shrinking? maybe. it's the oddest thing, this time, this season, where I have a break from what felt like crisis of the last few years and in the non-crisis everyday life I miss God. I know less of His voice. I make less space to hear. I operate. I thrive. I attend. I hope. I move and move and move and move and fill and fill and fill and fill. Its weird to miss being lonely and desperate but at least then I was so keenly conscious and begging. Begging for the right things.

i know i want to live alive. where as much as possible, i can separate out the days and that do and dont's, never-ending checklists and grocery runs do not capsize holding hands and dinner conversations and writing. the little is winning right now. for so many years the little ruled my life until i could get it all in its "place" and now i tasted BIG and i feel so less tolerant to let my life be so distracted and swayed by little. So, maybe this makes no sense to anyone but me. But i want to try and reflect and remember and dream. i want my heart to grow for the things you want my heart to grow for Lord. Is it too much to ask you speak up until i can ground? Break my heart for what breaks yours. For my BIG while I am here on this earth living out what you have written for me.