i lay in bed last night way past midnight and my mind is writing stories. they were all genius last night, of course, yet today I am one jumbled thought after another. it is a beautiful, beautiful evening. most of the time when the air is this luxurious and the light is still out at 9pm, i want to call a friend to walk the lake with me. at this point, the trouble is the friends that pop into mind are mostly all still 3000 miles away.
and i know its time. God told me a few months ago, grieve and celebrate but quit with the holding. it has been 26 months since i left Charlotte and left behind a state full of incredible women. women i knew were special but didn't know that even after months of no conversation they are the ones i long to talk with and still celebrate their children's birthday in heart and prayer from 3000 miles away. i grieve that i don't get to watch their kids grow up. i want to fold in half knowing that i will not see them parent through elementary school. we did the baby and toddler gig together, and oh, they were such wise and beautiful mothers. how i wish to learn and share with them now. how i adore the faces of their children on instagram and wish they still knew Tia, PH and Hannah.
somedays, i selfishly wish they still needed me the way i do them. and this is where i have to arrive. oh the twisting, stomach drop feeling of years of investing both imperfectly and wonderfully to then separate. and i cannot stand that we were the ones that left. we forget so quickly all the reasons we knew we had to go. they feel trivial and idiotic now in comparison to the loss of these beautiful friends. this is the grief. its bigger than 100 layers of a BLT. and i must, absolutely must name it, own it and beg to accept SO THAT...
i can also take joy. Take joy in knowing that this little tiny family felt we were supposed to come out to the wild wild West. Take joy in knowing that God has moved mightily in our home and hearts and it now bares so little resemblance to the life we knew in NC in many good ways. And yet, with so much good, it still makes perfect sense to miss the pieces that do not look the same and feel less beautiful.
i am here. we are here. we mean to be. oh for the love, those worlds are still so hard to type. Because i miss you. i miss your dining room tables and your sofas and your front doors. I miss you when mom gets a good report from the doctor and Stephen starts a new job. i miss you when Hannah learns 20 new jokes and cracks everyone up. I have lost you in a way, BUT i have also been given you forever. i can still cherish memories and life shared. i still know that i had the richest of riches that some people never have once. i can still hope and be bold to wish that even though you don't need me in a way that i want to be needed, you, too, take joy in sharing life together for all the ways we can now. you too think im different enough that the space i used to fill changed. this is what i think God is begging me to believe.
Your space was so huge. Can i trust that my space had value too? Can i rest and celebrate how i could occupy a room with you and that while the next decade will be far sparser in shared air, that we hope for it and enjoy it every time we can. That we do not squander the chance when we have it. oh, do you still miss me? when i prep to come home (yes, i have accepted i have two homes), can i take joy and confidence in the space i still hold with you? that i will not waste all my time focused on what i missed and don't have for the future but that i will sit with you wholeheartedly. oh, that is my dream. because i know you are golden. i know you are worth my whole face, ears, eyes each time we do get to be together and how dare i pilfer off that time to insecurity and unmet grief. i have lost you and yet i have chances with you forever. picking up with you is not replaceable and the value does not wane no matter how many friends are in our lives.
so i am big girl now. i am confessing my major missing. I am naming that we left and that i hold insecurity that i am no longer needed in your life. and what i wish more than worrying is that i would still celebrate all I already received and hope for each and every moment yet to be had. because you are golden. So, there God, I'm trying. It's a bumpy ride of my so human heart but I'm trying. See you soon my dear and forever beautiful friends.