filterless. leave and wait.

today's sermon slammed my boat. no rocking about it. Truth was delivered and it seemed every inch of my body recieved it from my ears to my stomach to my nose to my head to my heart. it shook me. and that was due time for me. 

after said slamming i had to run to the restroom before church dismissed to attempt to repair my red eyes, splotchy checks and runny nose. i found it odd actually how much i wanted to keep my head down so none of the church members, even ushers and pastors could see my state. Weird to be embarrassed in a church when your rocked, thinking back i should have come out to clapping or something because it meant i received, God's spirit moved and should we party when God shows up to His people? in the church. that very place. a friend happened to visit the bathroom at that exact moment to which all i could say to hear kind face was that "that kicked my ass." so churchy, i know. 

after coming home and building a fairy house with Hannah I was kindly given an hour to run. all of my body needed it although it was soggy and windy and by the end my shoes were squeaky and hair and socks soaked. i needed the space to process or not but to just have space.  

the last two weeks have been nasty tense, where we can't seem to practice enough self control to not leak out every thought of our mind to one another, filterless. more transition, more new, more adjustment and no one is finding their stride. Hannah cries most days without understanding of why one of us can't stay home with her. Stephen works so hard to figure this coparenting thing out with me while laboring through another contract that feels so far from an answer. and me, i have 10 of the worst days i can remember that include a same day trip to Colorado and back for what was supposed to be my first trip with Dan Allender for work that ran straight into the CO flooding (i know, i am v thankful for my very insignificant inconvenience), followed by a trip to the ER with Hannah, followed by a failed meeting with our second largest donor, followed by endless nanny interviews and angst over who could join us in care for Hannah, and of course topped with the perfect dose of hormones. But all my wallowing and resentment again served me none and hurt my people.  

and today i got dealt with. and im thankful. not because i can't have space for wallow and resentment, but because my withdraw into those places GREATLY impacts my people and i can't curl up and stay there. Today, through looking at John 15, a chapter we have heard many times, clarity was offered about a life focused on the vine. a life not staring at the branch or always waiting for the fruit, but a life connected and surrendered to the vine. His stories of Abraham and Moses and Jacob completely moved me in this context.  That their waiting was years upon years upon years. 10-40 yrs where they begged God please honor these efforts, let's go this way, my plan is good, i am doing what you asked.. and God said, thank you. but no, please, be in my story. Come to what I have for you. Leave and wait. Leave your pride, greed, the idea that your children need to be something, that your marriage wld be something else, that the job, the house, the body, the baby, the whatever you hold so close that you need, leave it, enter my story. And wait. Abide in me. Cling to the vine and there your needs will be met.  

Mother of pearl. i am stuck right now and i am not even clear on that which i am gripping so tightly that i can't leave. that the vine sounds less attractive than my own fruit most days. that my branch needs are so damn important that i can't be bothered to constantly focus on this vine that appears to not be giving me what i want.  

whew. thank you Lord for this book of your stories of these incredibly brave faithful men and women who left and waited. i don't always want to be one of them but its clear from the sobbathon PH and i both experienced in church, we are. we are in it. what else to leave, how much longer to wait, i dont know but God please God give us strength to focus on the vine.