oh please be an angel, Angel

my heart is beating faster as i rush up the stairs to see you.  its your first day with a new nanny. her name is Angel and God knows I pray she really is. i wait to hear your tone and know that your face will tell me everything. i crack the door, it's happy, ahhhh. tiny dolls are spread around the floor and your never-ending imagination with these characters carries on. i exhale what feels like a breath i have been holding in for a month.  

its different now. when we leave for work, i can't just find someone to meet the basic needs. i want someone to build a relationship with my daughter. my most precious gift in my life which i beg someone else to see, cherish and protect. its been a nasty road to this place and you have sobbed, grieved, wondering why a parent cant stay home with you. PH and I have been torn up. You are so grown up now. 

tonight you told me to sit on the sofa, you gave me a ticket to your dance show. i have dreamed of this moment for a long long time. my cheeks hurt i smiled watching your flit and flut and awkwardly kick and create all these motions that seem fun but are so perfectly unrefined, i always wish it could be like this. your expressions are priceless and you check back on me just often enough to make sure your dance brought delight. oh girl, did it. i could barely stay on the sofa was the only problem i was wanting to kick and jump with you.  

after you help me cook some dinner, we sit down and you tell me that you have a long story to tell me. then you grab a marker and begin drawing your story out. it is awesome. something about porridge and blackberries and ballerinas. im a bit lost at the connection when you ask for the next sheet of paper to keep going. and finally you say, i'll have to tell you the rest tomorrow mom. im grinning. im at peace for the first time in a long while. you are okay. you are going to be okay. you are beautiful, creative and long to be delighted in... you wait eagerly for it. you want eye contact and affirmation. but you tell me, it was a good day. really good you add.  

so i cross my fingers, say my prayers, beg, that we haven't screwed up. that Angel will be a gift to our whole family and vice versa. it always feels like what we don't have to give you is so much more than what we have to give. so i am relieved at the very deepest place that you still dance and create amidst all this imperfection we have to offer you. its another new season for us. and we love you. and we hope for you.