i'm distracted. i don't like it. i forget what i am saying mid sentence and i forget what i am supposed to be doing. there is so much my mind has actually just gone blank. i think the pro's would probably call this panic attack/anxiety. my teeth are clenched, my jaw sore, from this feeling that i am forgetting or withholding. I could blame it on the tequila from too many margaritas in mexico but truth in this has been setting in like a heavy storm for the last month. i feel myself trying to run out from underneath the massive clouds but i keep getting confused and once i find the path again, i run as fast as i can but i can't beat the clouds, the storm is still above me. therapists, have at it.

my mind longs to go back to the place where there was one thought at a time. in efforts to thwart downtrodden mindset, this week I read Paul's encouragement to think on things that are pure, right, lovely. At first I was like well Paul, that's a good idea, but at this point that would consume about 45 seconds of my day considering the lack of lovely. Unless what you are asking of me God is this continuing perseverance and presence in life.

Could my mind notice the gits arriving in boxes different than what i ordered? That i allow myself to take joy in hearing Hannah's laughter as she and PH draw an entire story board with stick figures, that i ran along the water this morning as a running buddy to a 5th grade girl in Girls on the Run whose mom never showed, that i have made a friend who cares about my family and me even in our trainwreckish state, that Hannah stops to collect flowers as she rides bikes because she can't believe how beautiful they are (sorry neighbors for the lilies you are missing... ), that last night while i miss PH so much, a little girl cuddled in bed beside me rubbing my arm and affectionately kicking (no thx) me throughout the night, that every morning i have good, hot strong coffee, and that a new box of hand-me-downs provides leotards, swimsuits, dresses and glitter for my quickly growing girl.

Ah, Paul, you are right, that is a bit healing, to dig in for the praiseworthy and admirable. WAY better than listing off my defeats of the day. Not that i squelch those to high denial but that i am sustained through the balance. the balance of living each day more conscious to the Spirit, more abandoned to anything good, surrendered on all that feels so out of control, in order to have and be all that we are for today. which would have never seemed like enough but is, we are okay. there is still lovely to recognize.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Phil 4:8-9