On multiple occasions over the last year you mentioned that you wanted to switch out for a new mommy. I don't blame you. I sometimes have no idea who i am as mother. things changed for us a lot this year. we trekked cross country leaving the familiar for new and sometimes endless mother daughter days. Easily I can recall the first day PH went off to work and I looked over at you in our then tiny one bedroom abode in an entirely unfamiliar place and I felt a bit paralyzed. I literally didn't know what the heck we were supposed to do all day.

Directing activities didn't feel all that foreign to me, so i began to plan adventures so we could pump up our days in to nice little chunks of exploration divided by food and sleep. what i was totally unprepared for was that constant logistics would also be encased by constant emotions. My plans flopped frequently as my illusions of outings with a 4 year old met reality (you did nothing wrong, btw, just life and 1700 visits to the bathroom and 40000 snacks). Likewise, some moments have been far richer than my boxed-in mind could have ever dreamed. sometimes after ground shaking we find our way back to one another and our gentler selves. I tell you all the time we can always start over.

when i think about our year, my head is like a slideshow of parks, coffee shops, museums, walks, bikes, and errands. the soundtrack offers clips of singing and dancing, sweet conversations, new words, gagloads of questions, and it also has more cries of longing, high-volume responses from both parties, words to regret and lines of ill patience. i far underestimated things like the task of getting dressed. i completely misjudged how quickly things could go from fun to fury. and i had absolutely no idea that there would be so many moments where i found myself searching ANYWHERE for a right, patient, teaching, appropriate, loving response. sometimes i would go into another room and picture that a boardroom full of men would be easier to come up with the next answer than heading back to the living room with my four year old daughter. Its so much different than i thought.

last week i heard a lecture on emotional intelligence for our children and while she offered many many ideas and methods she kept saying the number one way they are going to learn healthy emotional intelligence is from the modeling in their home. i basically fell out of my chair, quit taking notes and may have let a cuss word slip out. I was feeling so good when there were these great four steps and then she had to say it was mostly in the home modeling. I wished i could write you a super dooper long apology. this has not been a year for me to be the emotionally intelligent role model. about every other day i've wanted to tell you that i am hanging on by a thread, but i see in your curious eyes you already know. not much gets by you. (why did you have to be so observant like your daddy, sheesh.)

the thing is this year has also helped me focus on important in every way. you already tell me, "i know mom, you don't have to tell me again", everytime i tell you how wonderfully designed you are by God and that what makes you beautiful is your heart. you weary of the amount of times i encourage kindness and nearly force gratitude. I pray with you, i sing with you, and i know you see love in this house, and i beg God that those things tip the scales. That the raised voice or turned back is not featured in your slideshow. i don't want to walk away but sometimes I have no idea how to walk towards. i adore you, i am imperfect, I am learning. God loves you, He is faithful, all the time.