i woke up this morning and the sun was soft and warm as it met my sleepy eyes. now that all the leaves are gone we have this unobstructed view of the mountains behind all the houses on the clearest of days. its remarkable each time. and for me its like like a call from God saying Good Morning, I love you Ashley. and i am needy to hear it.

the truth of these days is that my heart is stretched all across the states wanting the chance to look at mom's face. i know a great deal about her voice so i can somewhat learn from it, but what i crave is to just get a look at her and to know, are you okay? are you hanging in there? what does this feel like for you? i wonder about your faith, how do you describe God these days?

and also i try to live here. to work hard and to look hard at my family. i am delighting in Hannah's curiousity and train of thought these days. we have started reading the bible to her and as she listened to a story about God, and she has asked, "why can't I see God? If Christmas is his birthday, how old is Jesus? , "what does God have like 16 heads?" she couldn't quite picture how He would hear all of us.

and most times the lives merge like peanut butter and jelly. messy. nothing stays on its side. like the car ride the other day where hao asked to listen to a CD that I know mom loves and i start hearing the words and picturing her and I am covered in tears while also seeing your bobbing head in the back. or yesterday when its Thanksgiving and all is cheery and fun with three little girls in 900 sq. ft. place, and we FaceTime with you. And I see that face i long for and it looks tired. i still picture the cheery woman in the kitchen and about the house loving a filled holiday home. But the rest of the day into this morning, i see your tired face and the last few seconds of FaceTime where i couldn't hold on anymore and you said in your strong voice, i love you forever, and we hang up. and all that goes through my mind is i don't want my mom to be sick, tired, different. i miss you. and i love you forever too.