It was a holiday. I have rules about holidays and vacation that basically assess that when all possible talk about no hard things and avoid conflict on these special days. therefore of course they are typically a hot mess because we cannot make rules about life like that. Today was Halloween. I wanted it to be triple awesome - bc my heart has been in pieces over my mom, bc i am about to leave hao and Ph for 2 weeks and bc hao is at the age where trick or treating is awesome to her.

she was Rapunzel. She picked it 90% bc when she put on the long flowy yellow hair, she thought she was all that and a bag of chips. When she told me she looked "just beautiful" i had to overcome my feminist leanings not to have her dress up as a princess and let her revel in this long hair beauty. she felt lovely, i didn't want to take that away.

after a few hiccups in the day including wig malfunction, exhaustion, sugar highs and lows, we rallied as a family, donned some form of costume and hit the hood. she was happy. we saw neighbors, she snagged a bunch of m&m's for me and a few sour candies for dad. she grew braver and braver door by door.

so at the end of the night, when i think we are sailing free, we read a book and settle in for a prayer. hannah says, "mom, mom, excuse me, do you think i will ever, like ever, get a brother or a sister?" i flood. these are the exact type of times i pictured and i worry for weeks building up to for her. will it be fun for her to trick or treat with just me and PH? Will we pass any other child all night who doesn't have a sibling? Does she wish she had someone to share this with? And here we are at the end of the night and i watched her all night be so brave and make the most of things.. and by the pillow her heart longs and her mind wonders... will i ever be a sister? And my heart broke anew. I wish my baby. I wish so damn bad you have no idea. and i try to regain voice and swipe sobs and i say, "should we ask God, should we include this in our prayer?" And her sweet face nods. yeah mom. So for the 100000000th time, i ask, "God please can we have a brother or a sister for Hannah, please?"