at lunch today i was looking over at my little kid with pigtails and ketchup all over her arms and face (because she was dipping her chickfila nuggets) and i was loving it. she was actually saying mmm. nevermind the fact that this is a growth area for me that i have now succumbed to the fact that my kid will eat chickfila which means fried food. small portions, but its going to happen. but that's not the point, the point is, i was staring at her and just thought my word you are light little child and i can't believe you are already old enough for pigtails and ketchup face. and then i think quickly, please God don't let me miss a single phase. she is the only place in life where i don't feel like we are waiting and on edge. she is the part of the day you want to bottle up, get on tape and watch over and over. stephen and i are both thankful and surprised to realize that no matter the depth of love for that sweet baby, a baby doesn't solve all the family problems. dangit. you know what i mean.... all the IF WE JUST.... statements you make in your head and you think if you cross that threshold life will truly be better. mine are usually like if i just get thin, get a baby, work hard, take that trip...then life will be good. and don't get me wrong. life is better because she is a part of it and i still think life would be better if i had a trip (: BUT what i am saying is I have been recently sobered to realize that I got to get out of that IF mode in my head and start really embracing the now. I am actually usually a present person, i guess that is until the present sucks and now my head is thinking... IF Bright Yellow Jacket can just get a few more clients, IF God can just shine a light on how we can grow our family, IF i can just feel well and strong, IF my brother can just find the most wonderful life companion and the perfect job for him after grad school, IF my sister's baby can just arrive safely to a happy anticipating home, and IF my parents can just find their new home and start sowing some seeds, IF half our families didn't live on fundraising, THEN i won't be so anxious, THEN things will be good. I am saying too much already but this is the thing i don't know how to write during this time in life so i just retract. because if i am actually going to take the time to write it is unappealing to sugar coat. we are in this raw and heavy place and we have been for what i think is 6+ months. The Crohn's disease and the business alone are new realities that we cannot just pass by. we are in the thick of their reality and well..it's navy. Stephen once asked a group of friends to describe where they were in their current lives through a color and why. i answered navy and i think i am still there. navy is not black and the navy i am thinking of is the part when you look a little further out into the ocean and you see a layer where you know you wouldn't be able to see through and there is a greater chance of sharks. the great thing is that you are still a part of a majestic creation that is full of beauty, the hard thing is that you are swimming in the part that is murky and unknown. so that's the deal, nothing is the end of the world. i tell myself this all the time. being a part of the ocean if fantastic, there are many wonderful discoveries and surprises ahead i am sure. my feeling is just that we have really really grown up this year and it feels hard. illness, bank accounts, safety worries, gray hairs and more... dang. it feels heavy to grow up this year. i am no matter how hard i try waiting on something to feel better, to exhale. let it be for my brother... let it be for mom and dad... anybody, just know i am in the mood for some miracles.