i have too many family members and friends who are therapists that i always wonder why i am so honest online like i might be there favorite case study. (: and now i might commit the ultimate sin which is confessing that even my dreams are getting too honest. last night i woke in a startle and realized that i had been dreaming about driving a car where the brakes didn't work. it was petrifying and ultimately i wrecked. there was no human carnage in my dream luckily just a pile up of steel wreckage. too real.

what seems to be breaking me most is feeling i could be made of steel and still not survive this latest onslaught of life. yesterday we tried to take the day off, we bought apples and a pumpkin and took a walk with brisk fall air and the smell of fire in the air. we absorbed the goodness of the season amidst the return of the rain. i took a nap while watching football which was like music to my ears. we used our imagination and played dollhouse with Hannah and used our hands to make apple pie and apple sauce. we watched comedy and held hands. i tried not to talk or think too much.

sandwiched between heartbreaking news that Stephen's current role will end and the beginning of sweet baby Beatrice's open heart surgery we tried to just be a family, it felt like an imitation of a life where everything is totally fine. i for sure sucked at pretending way more than Stephen but truth is i think that is because in fact Stephen is in this supernaturally peaceful, determined place. He is determined to believe that our God reigns and that indeed goodness is on the horizon.

I'm not there. I want to be. He is an incredible strength in this house right now as i watch myself slink lower and lower in fear. i ingest all that has been told to me and that i have believed about life and God over the last two weeks and beg myself to reconcile and know the same Truth today. Even with bad news and unknown. I pray to be there. i'm thankful my man is. Here we are again with wide open spaces to draw near to God and to release.