surprise triggers

balled my eyes out to the musical Grey's Anatomy show. Which i consider a pretty low point considering i should have been laughing. i completely blame my hormones. it's embarrassing to say aloud. 

since sunday it has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. there is a ton more time and there isn't. hannah is closer to 3 than 2. i am back up to 40 hours not down to 20. we are starting over on things i wanted figured out and not starting on things i wanted done. i want a second pair of hands splashing in the bathtub and giggling for no good reason. i want for Hannah to wake up and run to greet her sibling who can have breakfast with her. i want her to have someone to tell stories about, to defend, to kiss on. i want her to be 33 and have them over for wine and movies. i want her to want to be closer to them, to share clothes and maybe makeup. i want her to have someone else cheering for her games and throwing the ball with her. i want to watch her teach them.

and i spend so much more time shoving these emotions as far down as possible. because they make me feel weak or selfish. and because i have absolutely no control. so for Pete's sake it takes a ridiculously shameless ABC move to pull it all out of me where i can't keep hoping it will go away. it's so core. and the thing is it's so good. not weak, not selfish. maybe if i change the message to myself it will feel okay to say these things outloud and to give space to feel them more often. 

**the sidebar i can't resist saying is that i have been struggling to blog honestly because it does feel intense and i am always afraid it presents itself worse than i want it to. the thing is i don't know how to blog as well on the sunny more regular days but they DO exist and i don't know how to miss these days that i want to remember when i am struck and struggling. writing helps me think, so maybe i should just stick to the private journal. in some ways i am hoping deep deep down that these are all the log of things i can look back on and see how so very good and gracious and caring God has been to us.