i have been waiting to live. no doubt about it. which doesn mean at all that life has been inactive or complacent, its just that as hard as I try to settle my heart in the now, i find myself utterly human. utterly desirious of the life i had planned. totall sure that if this, then peace, then love, then we can move on in our life.
is it possible to be highly hopeful and highly realistic all at the same time? this is what i wonder because i decided somewhere in the last year to turn the hope off, which wasn't hard, and live in reality. put the petal to the metal, dive in, endure, muscle through, which is easier for me. and some of that i think is good. we must endure, we must push through and live in reality. but something scary begins to happen when days and weeks and then a month goes by and you realize how much your head has been down and you have gotten used to not believing things will ever change.
Anyway, it all gives me this sense that i must must quit waiting to hope. waiting to live, because hope in and of itself produces movement. hope feels raw and foolish sometimes, sure. and i have a LONG way to go to holding this daily but i think i want to. i want the movement of a different kind, the movement that presses into God, presses into His truth, presses into faith.. .not into me. not into muscling onward.